Die Hard Three

This morning I got up at 04:50 without really having fallen asleep. I’m awake most of the night if I have to fly early the next day. We made it to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in time to get a seat the 05:15 bus (it was running late). $16 one-way to EWA (Newark Liberty Airport).

I know Americans are big on free speech and all that, but sometimes I wonder if they should outlaw irony. I can think of one “problem” it would solve – the passenger screening here at “Liberty” airport.

As we arrived at the checkpoint they aim everyone through the untested-for-longterm-effects, naked-image-taking, superpower-inducing x-ray machine. The olde-timey-fashioned metal detector is standing there roped off like some out-of-use, horribly-disproportioned Tron tank. I was wondering if there’s even an option to opt-out.

Turns out there is and I opt to take it – I already have superpowers and passing through the machine an even number of times takes them way (I’m not going to fall for that one again). They call a specialist over and after waiting for a couple of minutes he walks me around the metal detector (wha?) and takes me off to the side to give me my pat-down. In full view of the other customers he proceeds to do his thing. After my request to have more time spent on my frontal area is denied, he does a quick swab of my bag to test for explosives. He sends me on my way when it comes back negative (thank God – I’m always afraid they’re going to find something when they test my bag).

The only thing that was different from the previous time I was subjected to this process, was that the screeners now use the back of their hands when they inspect sensitive areas.

I prefer the old method.

This whole situation is unpleasant for everyone involved – me, the inspector, the other passengers. All of this leaves me wondering if the newer airport screening law is in conflict with some older law that prohibits strangers from sticking their hands between my butt cheeks. Someone should check on that.

The law, not my butt.

Thursday was our final night in New York City. Hopefully. We’ve already had four flights cancelled in the past three days. Wednesday we were about to get on the shuttle bus to Newark airport (EWA) when I got another notification saying there has been “an itinerary change”. We delayed getting on the bus (tickets already purchased) and called Air Canada. The nice lady said Friday morning was the earliest she could get us out. With no other options on the table, we took it.

Our research revealed that the buses and trains were not yet running. A one-way car rental from New York City to Ottawa? It’d be cheaper to go by helicopter. Options exhausted, we had to find a place to stay for two more nights. We’d been staying with a friend and didn’t want to put her out any more (props Katrina – we love you!). Interestingly her water and heating failed Thursday morning (you can come live with us!).

I checked my email from an overloaded Starbucks hotspot to find that the Travelzoo weekly specials included a Times Square hotel that was only five avenues away. The Internet connection was so shitty that it was faster to walk over than to wait for the page to load.

So this hotel called The Out had these $75 a night (per bed) in a four-bed “room share”. Sounds terrible but it was not. Just look at the photos.

Das Sink

Der non-wall toilet.

and one of the four sleeping pods.

Die “foot” of the bed.

und, the head of the bed.

Downsides include: the room was at street level – 43rd Street can be pretty noisy at all times of the day. Sharing a room with strangers – but the $75 a night rate should keep out most of the riffraff. $11 drinks at the hotel bar – it’s Manhattan, what ever!

The Internet has a lot of words describing how to get standby tickets for the Daily Show. But after experiencing it first hand, I found the current information to be inaccurate in some areas and lacking in others. So, to add to the confusion here is a description of my experience getting standby tickets for the November 1, 2012 edition of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

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Today the GF and I were fortunate enough to get Daily Show tickets. It was our third try. On Monday we trekked halfway across the city (on foot, in a hurricane, past that pre-collapsed crane) to find out that the show had been cancelled. On Tuesday we did the same thing while avoiding the crane. Wednesday was a day of trying to find lodging and food (God bless the good people at Five Guys on 42nd Street).

This brings us to Thursday – with nothing official on the itinerary we decided for one final attempt to gain admission to the Daily Show.

Caveat #1 – This information is subject to change – the Daily Show people could alter their procedures at any time. If your experience differs from what I’ve written here please make a comment and I will amend the post.

Caveat #2 – Hurricane Sandy has made this a strange week – I’m not sure if this affects the accuracy of any of this.

0. This is what the building looks like – the awning overhead provides some shelter in the event of rain / snow. It is located on 11th Avenue between 51st and 52nd Street.

The Building

1. We arrived at 12:30 – there was no lineup

2. People started lining up at around 12:45 – they had received confirmation notices and they were there to collect their tickets. We got in line a little after 13:00 and there were 23 people in front of us.

3. With the line stretching the length of the building and most of the way back, the doors opened at 14:30 and the tickets were distributed. Each ticket was numbered with the first person in line getting number one, the second person getting number two and so on. The low-numbered tickets were yellow. The higher-numbered ones blue.

4. When we got to the front of the line the guy said to come back at 16:00 for standby tickets.

5. I returned at around 15:10 to find the last of the people getting their reserved tickets and a line up of seven individuals waiting for standby tickets.

6. By 15:45 there were about ten people behind us in the standby line when the guy decided to give out the remaining tickets for the no-shows. We got numbers 197 and 198. There were 200 in total.

The Ticket

7. The ticket guy said that a ticket still does not guarantee admission – I was thinking that maybe they oversell the event to ensure a packed house.

8. We were told to return at 16:30. I hung around cause I have OCD. The GF found a pub cause she’s Finnish.

9. Next they set up these little pens for the different ticket groups.

Free-Range Ticket Holders – they seem so happy compared to

The Confined-Range Ticket Holders

10. They started letting people in at around 16:30. It took them a while to get to us because they were admitting people sequentially based on the ticket number.

11. We got to the front of the line and they let us in no problem. There were five people at the end of the line who had no tickets at all and they let in one guy (there was one unfilled seat).

12. Unrelated to standby tickets, Jon was not joking when he said that Larry Flint’s Hustler Club is one block away.

.

13. The evidence

I think these establishments are in the welding district.

Good luck with your ticket hunting. If this proved useful and you want to show your appreciation, should you find yourself with an extra ticket, drop me a line and I’ll see if I can make it down to NYC.

— Jason, Friday November 2, 2012

So now Air Canada has us on a flight at 08:40 Friday to Ottawa via Toronto.

Look at the pretty picture.

Going for breakfast now.