Day 8 of 8 – “Butt Inspector” I protested, “I’ve already…

2 Nov

This morning I got up at 04:50 without really having fallen asleep. I’m awake most of the night if I have to fly early the next day. We made it to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in time to get a seat the 05:15 bus (it was running late). $16 one-way to EWA (Newark Liberty Airport).

I know Americans are big on free speech and all that, but sometimes I wonder if they should outlaw irony. I can think of one “problem” it would solve – the passenger screening here at “Liberty” airport.

As we arrived at the checkpoint they aim everyone through the untested-for-longterm-effects, naked-image-taking, superpower-inducing x-ray machine. The olde-timey-fashioned metal detector is standing there roped off like some out-of-use, horribly-disproportioned Tron tank. I was wondering if there’s even an option to opt-out.

Turns out there is and I opt to take it – I already have superpowers and passing through the machine an even number of times takes them way (I’m not going to fall for that one again). They call a specialist over and after waiting for a couple of minutes he walks me around the metal detector (wha?) and takes me off to the side to give me my pat-down. In full view of the other customers he proceeds to do his thing. After my request to have more time spent on my frontal area is denied, he does a quick swab of my bag to test for explosives. He sends me on my way when it comes back negative (thank God – I’m always afraid they’re going to find something when they test my bag).

The only thing that was different from the previous time I was subjected to this process, was that the screeners now use the back of their hands when they inspect sensitive areas.

I prefer the old method.

This whole situation is unpleasant for everyone involved – me, the inspector, the other passengers. All of this leaves me wondering if the newer airport screening law is in conflict with some older law that prohibits strangers from sticking their hands between my butt cheeks. Someone should check on that.

The law, not my butt.

One Response to “Day 8 of 8 – “Butt Inspector” I protested, “I’ve already…”

  1. Uncle Ross November 2, 2012 at 09:23 #

    Diana was the beneficiary of two full-on boob gropes, once from the front and a reach around from the back, while being checked going into the Capitol Building in Washington D.C.

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