Transporting Children SAFELY

24 Jul

Enough is ENOUGH! I’ve sat here too long, keeping my mouth quiet while the rest of you put in jeopardy our most precious resource. I’ve had it up to here (just above my forehead) with your irresponsible behaviour. It’s plainly obvious that the rest of you don’t have the foggiest – so it’s time for me to interject.

I’m not sure if you’re aware but there’s been a lot of news in the press lately concerning the transportation of children. In the most prominent instance, the Royal Baby’s life was put in danger from the improper use of a child seat. Just the mere thought of our future Prime Minister being inconvenienced by a minor fender-bender is enough to give me a heart attack.

But before I get into it I need to clear one thing up. Some might consider it inappropriate for an unmarried, childless, unemployed, car-less man-child to provide guidance on how to transport children, but you’ve left me no choice. The ball has been dropped and it needs picking up.

First: the back seat is not the safest place for children. Fifty percent of all car accidents involve being hit from the rear. So to increase the likelihood of your children surviving a crash you need to get them into the front seat. Plain and simple.

Second: when you’re driving, the most important thing is to have your children within reach so you can properly attend to them. One of the alarming (but less-publicized) child welfare statistics is the long-term mental health issues resulting from a lack of attention paid to children when they’re being transported in motor vehicles.

And car seats? They cause more problems than they solve. We never had them when I was a kid and I turned out fine.

And car seats? They cause more problems than they solve. We never had them when I was a kid and I turned out fine.

Third: non-vehicular transportation is just as important, but most parents get that wrong too. Until they’re in their teens, children shouldn’t use their legs. It’s only after age fifteen that their bones are strong enough to support their bodies. Here is the proper way to move a child around if you don’t have a car.

Note how the left hand is free to open doors and move cutlery.

Note how the left hand is free to open doors and operate power tools.

What do you do if you have more than one child? Well that’s easy.


See, super-simple!

So there you have in three easy steps the most effective techniques for transporting your (and other people’s) children. Remember, it’s important to protect these future taxpayers. Without them, who will provide our government with the revenues needed to keep my life-support system online? Without their taxes, we are all doomed.

8 Responses to “Transporting Children SAFELY”

  1. chapman July 24, 2013 at 14:23 #

    Hilarious. Sensible. Pleonastically effulgent.

    • Die Hard Three July 24, 2013 at 15:05 #

      thanks! Raising children is hard work. That’s why I leave it to other people.

  2. Dr Jeff July 24, 2013 at 21:38 #


  3. Dave M August 1, 2013 at 20:35 #

    Jason, my kids keep getting out of bed after bedtime. How can I keep them in bed?

  4. Shaheen Seth August 2, 2013 at 11:11 #

    lol, awesome! I’m hoping you’ll write a canoe and fishing safety how to next?


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