Die Hard Three

My quest to visit all the Ikea stores in the world is now one step closer to completion. Yesterday I visited the one in Berlin Lichtenberg and it was bigger than any of the previous ones I’d previously been to. It had two levels and a restaurant and the ball room was the size of a hockey rink. Ball room. Those crazy Swedes.

Just the sign is bigger than any Ikea in Canada.

I like visiting these Scandinavian furniture stores because they give me some ideas for my own renovations. For example: who would have ever though about putting a sink and hob on the same island?

Actually it's more of a peninsula.

And just look how cute this sink is.

Just think of all the dishes she could wash in there.

My favourite section of the store was of course the warehouse. Look at this thing. I think I see the Ark of the Covenant.

Oh shit! Did I just spoil the end of a thirty-year-old movie?

And the Swedes have this thing called glögg. No way was I going to try drinking that. Firstly it was only a dollar. That’s cheaper than tap water in Sweden. And finally it’s called glögg.

We can all share some glögg in the ball room.

The best part of the trip was that across the street there was a Baumarkt. The picture is deceptive. This store was even bigger than the Ikea. I looked it up online and the only building that’s bigger is the the Boeing Everett Factory Assembly Plant located in Everett, Washington.

Caption!

Again I was looking for toilets and by extension, showers.

Ah, ze Germans.

All in all it was a good day. I was able to accomplish my goal (visit the Ikea) in just a little over seven hours. I had estimated ten.

Thought this one was going to be about soccer, didincha? Wrong again!

There’s a lot of talk about policy these days. Fiscal policy, foreign policy, insurance policy, and such and such. But how many of you actually know what a policy is? I know. Embarrassing isn’t it. A word that is used several times in every conversation and screenplay but no one has any idea what it means.

The purpose of this post is to help you understand. Let’s get started.

A policy is a pre-decided course of action that helps reduce the amount of mental energy that is expended when one has to determine what to do in a given situation. The situations can range from the mundane (do I bring an umbrella with me today) to the not mundane (when is it appropriate to talk about politics). A policy can relate to your own comportment (no red wine for me on school nights) or it can involve people whom share some sort of hierarchy (we do not negotiate with terrorists!).

Wow, that was a lot of words. And I’m sorry to report that we’re not done yet. Not even close. There’s so much to discuss.

To start there are two kinds of policy: public and private.

A public policy would be one that has to be known for it to be effective. For example, I have a policy of not ever getting upset if I am not invited to a wedding that is not mine. I’ve done a lot of reflecting on the subject and I’ve come to the following conclusions:

• Weddings are expensive
• The organizers expend a lot of energy deciding who to invite

Because of these two facts, I have decided to not get upset if one of my friends or family decides against inviting me to their wedding. I don’t care whose wedding it is. The Pope could be officiating, it won’t make a difference. If you want to invite me to the ceremony but not the dinner, I’m totally cool with that. Or maybe just the dancing after the dinner, it’s all good. Say someone cancelled, the wedding is in two days, and that delicious meal is going to go to waste, doesn’t matter – you can call me at the last minute – I won’t mind.

When establishing a public policy you have to know who the players are and how it relates to them.

This wedding-invite policy affects two groups of people, me and everyone else. And it serves a different purpose for each. For the bride and groom, it helps alleviate by a tiny amount, the stress resulting from planning a wedding. For me it helps ground my reaction in the event I’m not invited to one – it’s ok to be disappointed, it’s not ok to be upset.

It's just a wedding.

For public policies (like the wedding one) to be effective they need to be followed. There will of course be exceptions but your people should have some measure of confidence that you will stick to your guns.

Jason was super pissed that he wasn't invited to his niece's wedding, what's up with that? Well, she's marrying the Norwegian Crown Prince and he's super into Norwegian Royalty.

Now I’m going to talk about private policies. These would be ones that need to be known only to oneself. You can inform others but it’s not necessary. Even though it’s just for you, you should physically tell yourself what you plan to do. Say it out loud or write it down or something. This will increase the likelihood of it being adhered to.

Here is one that I use: “I never kiss on the first date”. The main reason why this policy exists is because on a first date your brain is working really hard. You’re getting a ton of new information that you may be tested on later. You also have to interpret signals to determine if your date is interested or not. The longer the date goes on, the more tired your brain gets, the harder it is to evaluate the data. And the kiss is the physical representation of that evaluation. It’s been my experience that it’s much easier to simply delay all that, go home, and give an audio recording of everything that happened during your date to your roommates. Then later, based on their impartial analysis, you can decide *when you brain is rested* if you want a second date.

Next up, I will explain why it’s important to make known the motivations behind a given policy. This is necessary for two reasons.

First, an explanation helps others to determine if a policy applies to their situation. Something that may be obvious to the author might be lost on the reader. And conversely, a situation may arise that the policy author did not anticipate.

At 144 we have a policy that I implemented not three months ago: there is to be only one type (two sizes) of re-useable plastic container allowed in the kitchen. This may seem a bit extreme but with five people living there you end up with dozens of different types and sizes of containers. The cupboard becomes a disaster. Last year each time I wanted to pack my lunch it took like five minutes to find a lid that fits. No lie.

Point is, that if a roommate wants to buy a container to store her muesli in her cupboard, the policy does not apply in this situation.

Second, an explanation also helps people remember why the policy was originally implemented. This is important in the event the environment changes.

Again, at my house we have a policy (it’s more like a rule but it illustrates the point nicely) to keep the television turned off when it’s not being used. This is because it’s an older model that’s prone to burn-in and it uses a ton of electricity.

Newer televisions use much less power, have a sleep-mode function, and are mostly immune to burn-in. If the old display was replaced with a brand new one, the rule could be eliminated. Note: it’s been my experience that there’s an upper bound (around eight) to the number of rules a given roommate can remember. Yet for some reason my house’s instruction manual is 15 pages long.

Maybe I need a new policy?

Anyway, that about wraps up my thoughts on policy. I will say one final thing: it’s important to revisit your policies now and again to determine if they are still relevant or if they need to be modified. It’s better to do this when you’ve got the time and not when you’re under pressure to make a decision. That’s my policy.

Lt. Frank Drebin: When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.

So the purpose of this visit to Bremen is two-fold. First I want to catch up with some friends I knew in Ottawa who are from Germany. Second I want to see a soccer game.

Julia collects me at the Bremen Hauptbahnhof and we set off to the Christmas Markt to rendezvous with Amie whom I have not seen since the Greatest Summer Ever (2006). We’re supposed to meet her at 12:30 but it’s 12:35 and there’s no sign. Normally five minutes would not be a big deal, but each minute that she’s late, I’m getting increasingly nervous. This is because she is traveling by bike, it’s cold, windy, raining, and the roads are so slick I’m having trouble walking. And did I mention that she’s nine month’s prego and her due date was three days prior?

The reason she’s late is that she took the bus instead of the bike. Smart move. So we visit the Bremen Christmas Markt and it’s awesome. Check out these photos.

Yummy!

Lots of standing.

Man I hope those guys are real cops. They are sporting a lot of leather

My mo is, once again, not helping.

The baby is still inside.

I think this is how he feels.

Bremen is really nice.

So we say goodbye to Amie who has to go to the hospital for a cesarian or checkup or something. On the tram to the stadium Julia tells this eight-year-old boy that his favourite player is out of the lineup because of an injury and the kid starts to cry. My “while you’re at it, why don’t you tell him there’s no Santa Claus” comment does not deflate the situation. I keep forgetting that these kids understand English.

We arrive to discover that they’ve covered the entire stadium in photo-voltaic cells in an effort to show the world how much Hamburg SV’s stadium sucks. I’m unsure if they’ve succeeded.

Looks like a giant lampshade to me.

The other thing about Bremen Stadium is that the only way to pay for things (food, drinks, souvenirs) is using this special Bremen Football Club Convenience Cash Card (or BFCCCC for short). The idea is that you get this card and you load it up with money and any time you want to buy something in the stadium you just swipe the card. It means that transactions are super fast because there’s no fumbling around with bills or coins. All the vendors have one of the readers.

Here we have a backpack full of beer.

The first day of school never looked so blurry.

The dude pours the liquid gold while the customer waits patiently.

Please sir, can I have some more?

He places her card on the reader and enters his twenty-five digit alpha-numeric pass code to complete the sale.

One can't spell "efficiency" without "efficient"

This must save a ton of time at the end of each game when the money has to be secured, collected, sorted, counted, transported, and deposited. There’s also all the interest they can make on the unspent money and there’s no 3% to Visa. As long as the cards don’t cost anything and they are easy to recharge, I think the public would go along with it. Plus, what else are they going to do? Eat before the game? Exercise self restraint?

I think not.

So we’re in that crazy end zone section I told you about yesterday but this time for the home team. Here’s the deal: it’s 10 degrees, the rain has stopped, and for about 10 minutes there’s blue skies overhead. There is no sitting – these football people are really smart. They figured out that some fans will stand for the entire duration of the match. They are also able to double the number of people that would normally occupy this section if they kept the seats down.

Two people standing where normally there would sit butt one.

Before the match even starts I am blown away by the intensity of the psychological warfare (PSYWAR) being waged against the visiting team. They start by singing the anthem of FC Bremen but *not* the one for Stuttgart FC. This must be hugely demoralizing for the Stuttgarters.

Next, as is customary with most sporting event, each team is ushered onto the field with a popular music song. Bremen’s song can be found here. While Stuttgart gets this one. Again, totally unfair. Note: when you click on the Stuttgart link be sure to read the top comment.

The announcer giving the starting lineup has only to give the first name of each home team player and the crowd shouts out the family name. It was terrifying. During the game it’s even worse. The home fans are singing and dancing and waving flags. I feel so bad for the Stuttgarters.

I’m going to save my analysis of soccer the sport for another post but here are some additional observations of this game:

• There is a lot of diving going on – at least three clear instances from my limited vantage point (who knows what’s happening at the other end of the field).
• The game is rather boring.
• The crazy fans are making the whole thing a lot of fun.
• Both goals are scored at our end of the field – it’s really cool to see them up close.
• Stuttgart loses. Or is it: Bremen wins? I can never remember.

On the way back home the train to Hannover is just packed. I pass through three wagons and cannot find an empty seat. In the space at the end of one of the cars there’s a guy sitting on the ground doing homework with his feet resting on the steps. I decide to do the same thing but on the opposite door.

Sitting is better than standing.

As we pull up to the next station we exchange a look that says “Which one of us is going to have to move?”. As he gets up to let the passengers in I smile and say, “You chose poorly.” He laughs and just shakes his head.

He tries to keep his place by leaving his bag right next to where he was sitting but another passenger is standing by the door as the train pulls away from the station. She then proceeds to sit down and now dude’s got nowhere to sit.

So it goes on an overcrowded train.

He’s still here with no seat as we leave the next stop so I offer him my place.

He declines saying he’s done studying for now. He’s got to get back to Nuremberg for a big presentation or something the following day. He was also at the match, one of the about 500 people in the Stuttgart section (his team). He confirms my suspicion that it was in fact a boring game, but at least it wasn’t a tie.

The tally for the day is

• 7 hours train
• 3 hours Christmas Markt
• 3 hours soccer

I’m glad to be home. Sleep is good.

Last night I set my alarm for the first time since I left Finland. It’s an early morning – have to catch the 08:50 Ice Train to Bremen (going to watch some soccer “action”).

I always have trouble sleeping if I have to get up early for any events that are very difficult or expensive to reschedule (weddings, air travel, shuttle launches, etc). The night before an overseas flight I have this ritual where I go out with some friends until about midnight, and start packing shortly thereafter. It’s the only way I’ve been able to to ensure I can sleep through an entire flight.

I’ve only been to one Bundesliga (German first division) soccer game and that was in Dortmund in 2003 against Bochum. Because they are neighbouring cities there is this local rivalry that made the game much more interesting than it actually was. All of the Bochum fans were packed into the stands at the end of the stadium – from the rafters to the playing field. They had with them: a marching band (complete with French horns), megaphones, firecrackers, flags, and some sort of toilet paper trebuchet (for launching, not made of). About a dozen cops not in riot gear were mingling at the base of the stands between the field and the Bochum fans. Toilet paper was launched, firecrackers were lit, the marching band played, Bochum lost. There was no riot.

Now compare this to ice hockey in Canada. At a typical regular season Ottawa Senatsnores game it’s the electronic scoreboard that has to tell the fans when to cheer. I’m not joking. There’s a police presence but it’s usually two or four officers (I’ve never seen more). I’m not exactly sure why they’re needed.

And this is perplexing because hockey is so much more interesting to watch than soccer. If there was a space alien (whom we will call Glaxznor) who has never seen either sport and you took Glaxznor to a professional soccer game and a professional hockey game his logic centres would go into meltdown from what he would observe.

The action-packed hockey game would have spectators that would appear so subdued compared to their soccer counterparts who look like they’re about to go to war over a game that is, well, kinda dull.

And by dull I mean compared to hockey, which is faster (both the players and the puck), has less stoppage, is more dangerous, has less cheating, has players with knives on their feet and clubs in their hands, and if your team is down by one goal with a minute remaining there is a greater than a one-in-a-thousand chance that they can come back and win the game.

I’m ready to concede it’s entirely possible, that after watching a few dozen matches, Glaxznor will fall in love with soccer. But, with only a single viewing I betcha hockey wins out.

Aside: I can list as many areas where soccer is better than hockey but I will save that for another post.

My most vivid memory of that day eight years ago is from after the game. On the way back to Dusseldorf from Dortmund the train was full (but not packed) with soccer fans. There was a cross section of people from all walks of life but many of them were younger, working-class men – the generic kind of enthusiastic fan one finds at any major sporting event. Some were sleeping, other talking loudly, most had had a few beers, but everyone was reasonably well behaved. One guy had been in a fight (I think he lost) and his girlfriend was doing her best to alleviate his pain. I didn’t feel unsafe at all.

Now on this train with all these soccer fans was a young immigrant couple and they had with them a young infant in a stroller. They were standing in the stroller zone (an actual place) near the door as the train pulled up to a station in some city I’ve forgotten the name of. The doors opened to reveal the platform which was overflowing with some of the roughest looking people I’ve ever seen. They were adorned in the paraphernalia of some unknown sports team and they were all very loud, drunk and excited from whatever it was they had just finished doing. Compared to these guys, the soccer fans looked like they were on their way home from church.

I later found out that they were supporters of a team called the Rhein Fire (Rhein: a region in Germany, Fire: fire). Apparently Germany had (or has?) an American football league that played during the North American offseason.

Anyway, even though we were packed in there like peanut butter, some of the Rhein Fire fans set up a safety circle around the young couple and their child to make sure they had enough space. At the time I did not know what to expect, cramming so many drunk people into a train late at night, but it all seemed to work out ok.

No comment.

While out walking today I noticed this advertisement for PETA that had a picture of a naked lady on it. It was all about not eating the fur of endangered animals or something like that. Anyway, what struck me was: had this image been posted in Ottawa there would have been cries of “oh won’t someone please think of the children” and a great deal of time and energy would be expended on determining if the poster should be taken down.

One night in Dusseldorf a few years ago I was visiting a friend and we decided to rent a movie. While in the local video store I noticed they put the adult films on the top shelf of the same racks that were holding the non-adult ones. There was no special room separated by beads or anything. There were kids and parents and people all over the store. No one seemed to care.

Another night, just after I first arrived here, I was out and there were some people smoking marijuana. Inside the bar. One of the guys in my German school was telling me that here in Berlin pot is de facto legal. I guess someone decided that the police are better off spending their time solving real crimes instead of imaginary ones.

While I am totally unqualified to make this determination (I’ve only been here for about two months) it seems to me that the Germans have some sort of prioritized list of shit that needs to get done. While the actual list is most likely highly classified (and not entitled “Shit That Needs To Get Done”), it probably looks something like this:

1. Does everyone have access to clean drinking water?
2. Is food reasonably priced?
3. Does everyone have a place to live?
4. Can one efficiently travel around the country / cities?
5. Are we planning enough for our future?
6. Can everyone get access to healthcare?
7. Can we still make things ourselves?
8. Are the poor people in our country reasonably comfortable?
9. Is the Reinheitsgebot still being respected?
10. Are we making small, incremental improvements to the things we are doing?
11. Is it still easy for people to get an education?
12. Have we re-prioritized our list lately?

You get the idea. The point is that I’m not even sure “Are our youth seeing pictures of naked people?” is even on the list.

And if it is on the list, it's in the "To Do" column.

On a similar note, the other night I was talking to this German guy and he was expressing frustration with how long it’s taken DB to build the new high-speed rail link between Berlin and Hamburg. As someone who comes from a country with no high-speed rail at all, I find it difficult to understand most criticisms of Deutsche Bahn. For me it’s like someone saying that the room is too hot because the temperature is 22 degrees when it should be 21. Yes 22 is greater than 21 but just be thankful you’re indoors – it’s freezing rain outside.

Actually it was 8 degrees and sunny today in Berlin. And it’s almost December.

I also read today that the Pope is being sued for not wearing a seat belt during his recent tour of Germany. I’m not sure what to think about this but I hope it’s categorized under “Are all laws being applied equally?”

I guess what I’m trying to say is: I find it fascinating the things that different countries / cultures determine to be important. Don’t forget to buckle up.

Yesterday I came one step closer to solving a problem that has plagued me for many years now.

As most of you are aware, I don’t have a car. This means that I do a lot of walking, especially in the winter when it is too dangerous to bike. Often times when I’m out I see cars driving around with their headlights off. As a pedestrian I rely on these lights to determine the location and approximate speed of vehicular traffic at night. This is important when one is trying to navigate on foot in an urban environment. If I happen to be driving and an oncoming car does not have its lights on I simply flick my high-beams. This is the universal signal for “hey man, your lights are off”.

The problem is that there is no universally accepted way for a pedestrian to signal to a motorist that their lights are off. This is compounded by the fact that most of the existing gestures are all ready taken.

• Arm extended, thumb raised – can you give me a lift up the road / I approve of your action
• Eye contact, non-obvious head nod, no facial expression –  first rule of fight club / hello
• Single arm raised to shoulder height, hand open, head nod – thanks
• Single arm extended, finger pointed at other driver – you go
• Jumping up and down, waiving hands – please stop I’m having an emergency / I want to steal your car
• Hands in front, open, palms perpendicular to the ground – stop please

All of the different gestures I’ve tried in the past have failed. The worst part is the one I thought would be most effective did not work at all. I figured that if the vehicle-to-vehicle signal uses the high beams then logically, the human-to-vehicle one should too. Makes sense on paper but not in practice. I can say with confidence that rubbing ones chest with two fingers will succeed in getting the attention of passing motorists, but it will not result in them turning their headlights on.

So yesterday after I left the pub, I was waiting to cross the road and this car pulled out of its parking spot. It was dark and the driver had forgotten to turn his headlights on. I angled my body so he could see me, I put my hands out in front, palms up, and I simply raised them to shoulder height and voila, he turned on his lights.

It was the happiest day of my life.

If you can think of a better way to get people to click through, I would love to hear it.

It’s nice to be back in Berlin. While in Finland one thing I missed about Germany was being able to understand some of what the locals were saying. Finnish is a very strange language and they don’t have very many english words. Even the name of their country is not Finland. This lack of foreign words makes any English that is spoken in a conversation really stand out. On our last day in Helsinki I was listening to two students on the bus and in the middle of whatever they were discussing was this gem

Finland’s number one handsome raccoon

I hope they weren’t talking about me.

What does it mean?

Right now I’m in my favourite restaurant/bar/cafe working on this post. They’re in hiring mode right now and the manager is conducting interviews like six feet (two metres) away from where I’m sitting. She’s been doing this for about two days now and I’m not enjoying any of it. I get too nervous for the interviewees. The presence of my mo probably isn’t helping to create a relaxed atmosphere either. I can’t wait to shave the stupid thing off. At least the general population in Canada is aware of Movember.

I think the setup of this place is pretty clever. Like I said earlier it’s a bar/restaurant/cafe but I did not mention that it’s connected to a hotel. So they get the lunch and dinner crowd but they also have a built-in breakfast clientele with the people in the hotel. The breakfast is a buffet so it’s pretty simple to set up and they probably make a decent amount of money off it. There are a few sofas set up around the perimeter and they have a super-nice patio. Wednesday and Fridays they have a disk jockey.

There are two features that I really like about this place.

1. It’s low density. An equivalent restaurant/bar in Ottawa would have twice as many tables and it would be more chaotic.
2. It’s not loud. They have nice lounge-style music playing in the background and it’s actually possible to have a quiet argument without having to resort to yelling.

Oh yeah, and there are no televisions. You have no idea how much you hate them until you don’t have one around.

So I’m back in Berlin after a successful visit to the old country with the gf and the rents. There were no major incidents and I would like to take this opportunity to thank (reality: I’m too lazy to email) everyone who helped out with this trip. This includes all of you who provided food, shelter, drink, entertainment, legal advice, and medical attention.

In other news my mo appears to be growing at an accelerated rate. You can see for yourself. Plus, don’t forget to donate! I can be found here on the official Movember website.

Day 13

Day 14

Day 17

Day 18

Day 23

To all of my mobros out there: it will be over soon. As for me, I’m just happy I have not been arrested… yet.

I feel ridiculous.

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One of the things I’m enjoying immensely about visiting Finland is that I don’t have to carry any keys with me. I am merely a visitor to the country and my gf (a native) is responsible for logistics including all accommodations (she secured the use of an apartment). Because of this, she is the one taking care of the locking and unlocking of doors. And I, for one, couldn’t be more delighted. For the first seven days of this journey I was keyless and it was the happiest week of my life.

If you are human being who suffers from first world problems, you know what a hassle keys are. First up – you have too many of them. Reach into your pocket or your purse or the pocket on your purse and take out your keys. Now look at them. Pretty ridiculous isn’t it. This is your life in metal and plastic. Each key is the physical embodiment of some responsibility you have to manage. House key. Car key. Garage key. The key to your summer cottage. Work key. The key to your office. Your mailbox. And then there are the other ones – bike lock, safety deposit box, your computer chassis, your other car, space shuttle, snowmobile, and of course, spares for all of the above.

The ring ensures that you’re able to lose all your keys at the same time – even the ones you don’t use that often. And if any of those keys are for high-security locks, it’s going to cost you a small fortune to buy new ones and/or get the locks rekeyed.

If you’re waiting for me to propose a solution where one key will open all your locks you’re going to be waiting a long time. I’m more of the opinion that we need less stuff that needs keys.

For the longest time I had but two keys on my key chain – house and office. Then when my dad got a truck he gave me a set of keys for it. I tried to only take them with me when I was going to borrow the truck but invariably I would not have them with me when I needed them. This will happen if it’s not part of your routine. People know this and this is why they keep all their keys on themselves at all times. This summer I started biking everywhere so I needed a bike lock – and this third key has destroyed the balance I once had on my key chain. In winter I can go back to my two-key ideal, but I’m going to be devastated when spring arrives.

As for the truck, my dad bought a better one. He has not given me any keys for it.

Note how the latch has a protective cover to prevent someone from unlocking the door via the mail slot.

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During this visit to Finland I’ve heard some incredible music.

• Lisa Stansfield – Been Around the World (Twice)
• Terence Trent D’Arby – Sign Your Name
• A-Ha – Take On Me
• Abba – Waterloo (Swedish Version)
• My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion (CanCon)
• Holding Back the Years – Simply Red

Most of these songs take me back a few years. Except the ABBA. They take me back to August.

I did get an opportunity to visit the brand new music stadium located in beautiful downtown Helsinki. That was pretty cool. There was even a Canadian from Ottawa performing. What I liked best is that the guard rails were of a decent height. This is not the case everywhere.

Nice and safe

Humans are getting taller and this means that in a few years many of our theaters, stadiums, and chocolate factories are going to have to undergo a refit to raise their guard rails. It’s going to be expensive. I’m happy to report that the Finns had the foresight to make the ones in their state-of-the-art concert hall of a proper height.

The seats were a good size too. Humans are not just growing taller.