Day 0 of 0: Random Blog Post

2 Oct

Hello everyone.

By now I’m sure you’re aware that I’ve used this blog mostly to document my travels. I figured that if I wrote about my day-to-day you’d all grow bored and envious. There are enough problems in the world today without my awesome non-travel exploits distracting you from the three hundred first-year Introduction to Politiconomics midterms you have to mark.

It’s a little after 16:00 and I’m on a patio enjoying a beer. It’s about eighteen degrees Celsius, the sun is shining, and for some unknown reason, the Heart and Crown is playing a rather mellow selection Neil Young’s greatest hits. I manage to get the good table – the one in the corner with maximum sunlight – and I’m hoping Team Denmark can pop by for a pint. You can tell they have not yet left for the day cause the embassy is still flying the day flag.

But enough about flags – down to business. There’s been a lot of talk these days about plagiarisn. For those of you unfamiliar with this word, plagiarisn is defined as the act of stealing one or more pre-arranged words from an artist or corporation. It does not matter if the words are written on paper or captured on magneto-optical disc. If someone else owns them, you have to pay.

This is, of course, absurd. These laws (that were passed in the 1920s) would bankrupt all but the richest Kings of Prussia. But worse than the financial cost is all of the additional and unnecessary sentences and paragraphs that others end up writing because of a single person’s supposed “plagiarisn”. First the media gets involved. Then your boss. And then before you know it, your brother is claiming victory in the War of the Blogs. Crazy, I know. One guy even got in trouble for plagiarnizing his own work. Everyone was freaking out and getting all excited and calling for him to be fired from his job. My message for all of his critics (at the risk of being sued for plagiarisn): Get a life.

Sorry Bill.

It’s expensive to go to court to fight city hall, so I’ve decided to take a different approach (full disclosure: I have from time to time used words that were owned by other people). My plan is to make one giant footnote. It cost me $2,800 to have my lawyer do this up, so make sure you memorize the whole thing.

The entire content of this blog and all the other writings, recordings, etchings, biopics, cave paintings, comments, photographs, sky-writing, Google translations, and plagiarisns produced by the author contain absolutely no original content. Every existing and / or future word, sentence, paragraph, sub-paragraph, chapter, novella, book, volume, series, collection, lolcatz, work of literature, work of non-literature, movie, video, television program, sex tape, DVD, audio cassette, CD, record, warning label, non-disclosure agreement, Act of Parliament, and medical textbook created by the author is entirely owned and operated by someone else. For the purposes of this agreement “someone else” includes but is not limited to:

  • The Simpson’s
  • Star Wars Episode I
  • Family Guy
  • Fox News
  • Die Hard 2: Die Harder edited for TV version
  • The Bible
  • Planet of the Apes
  • Treble Charger
  • Biology for Bioginners (my first-year biology text book)
  • The artist currently known as The Artist who was previously the Artist Formerly Known as Prince
  • Rand Corporation
  • The Apple Store End-user License Agreement
  • Home Depot weekly flyer (March 5 2011 edition)
  • Zodiac
  • The Ontario Building Code
  • City of Ottawa By-law Enforcement (boo!)
  • Napoleon Dynamite (the movie)
  • Beau’s Brewery
  • Keyser Söze
  • Napoleon Dynamite (the character)
  • Der Spiegel
  • Shalke FC
  • Ticketmaster Canada
  • Pumuckl
  • ABBA
  • Renny Harlin
  • The Criminal Code of Canada
  • The Canadian Criminal Code
  • The Canadian Criminal’s Code
  • The Canada Code Criminal
  • David Letterman
  • The International Olympic Committee
  • Fort Boyard Season 2
  • The Happy Fun-Time Waterpark Conditions of Admission and Code of Conduct

By reading this you have automatically agreed to hold the author harmless of any and all personal and financial liability indemnity effective the beginning of this sentence.

Perfect. Oh, and before I forget. Jesse, I bumped into your Ottawa doppelganger again today. He informed me that the only thing preventing him from obtaining a restraining order was the fact that he doesn’t know my name. I wished him the best of luck and sped off on my bike.

Take that all you automobile-driving easily-identifibles!

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