Die Hard Three

I’m staying at Eva’s place – anyone remember her bathroom? I do.

So last night we went to help the Syrian refugees by sorting clothing donations and I have to say, I’ve never felt so qualified for a job as I did yesterday. If there exists one task my years of jigsaw puzzle training has prepared me for, this was it.

The basic problem is this: how do you sort thousands of articles of children’s clothing? It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Not unlike the pre-assembly task of sorting puzzle pieces, one has to bin like items together. But where a high-quality Ravensburger puzzle has rigid, well-defined parameters (like shape and colour) clothing is much more dynamic. Here are the different categories we came up with:

• Kids’ / non-kids’ items (we had one bin where we would put adult clothes that survived the pre-sort)
• Winter jackets / snow pants
• Hats / gloves
• Socks / things that go on your legs that cover ones feet (stockings, onesies)
• Baby clothing
• Sweaters
• Summer clothing
• Long sleeve shirts
• Pants
• Dresses

Then we had to sort each bin by size. European clothing labels have a number (in centimetres) that is supposed to indicate some dimension of the wearer but some labels were missing and clothing can change size (with drying and stretching).

Notice the vastly different arm lengths for these same size sweaters.

The fastest way we came up with was to eyeball the size by laying them out on the table and just piling the different sized articles on top of each other. We also used the information on tags (when possible).

Once this sorting phase was done we had to fold each piece and put them on the shelf organized by item type and size / age.

Existing inventory.

The whole thing went pretty well. By quitting time we had gotten through about 80% of the boxes we were assigned. I also came up with some ideas for future generations to help speed up the process.

1. With some masking tape and a Sharpie, we could have labeled each pile by size. With several people doing the sorting (and no labels) there was some confusion as to which articles belonged in which pile.

2. If a given task is performed by a single individual, it’s possible to run multiple tasks in parallel.

3. The sorting does not have to be perfect and a Small / Medium / Large approach would probably be sufficient. Like any retail clothing operation, once the customers have at the merchandise everything is going to get mixed up anyway.

After three hours of sorting through donated baby clothing I notice that some of the articles were completely impractical. Have you seen how fast babies grow? I find it ridiculous that we dress up our infants in the same types of clothing we would put on a full-sized adult human – I’m talking about pants and shirts and socks. If a baby can’t walk, why do they need to wear shoes?

And what the hell is this? Are all babies this disproportioned or is this thing just poorly made?

Walking home last night I was thinking that someone seriously needs to invent a sort of generic sack that we can can carry our children around in for the first few years of their life. And then today when I arrived at my babysitting job, I discovered that the Germans had already invented one.

It’s called a Schlafsack and it is awesome.

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It was suggested to me that I visit the Polish Aviation Museum before I leave Krakow and without many other things to do, I decided to give it a shot.

To be honest, I was expecting to be underwhelmed. Back in the late nineties I visited the Imperial War Museum at the Royal Air Force Base in Duxford England – if you want to see a world class collection of aircraft, go to Duxford. Poland has been really great so far but in my experience, quality aviations museums are traditionally the purview of the “richer”, aircraft-producing countries – the United States, the UK, Russia, and maybe France.

And when I entered the showroom, the first thing I saw was this – and I immediately thought all my fears had been confirmed.

Three propellors? Five carburetors? What the hell were they thinking?

But then I started exploring the rest of the museum and I was figuratively blown away. The place was massive and they had an incredible variety of military and civilian hardware. But the best part was the music that was playing as I entered the exhibit on the Cold War. Normally I don’t mind travelling by myself, but this time, this one time, I really wanted to high five someone.

Here are some photos of the museum.

They had an amazing collection of different engines.

Team America shot down a bunch of these guys back in 2004.

This is my favourite pic from my visit.

One of the more disturbing things I discovered during my visit to the museum was that back in sixties the UK was exporting fighter jet engines to Warsaw Pact countries (specifically Poland for use in their very capable PZL TS-11 Iskra Trainer Jet). When I got home I went on Wikipedia and discovered that the United Kingdom was part of a military alliance called NATO which was in a war with Poland and her allies at the time of the sale of this particular item.

When I read or hear about things like this it always makes me wonder why the people who make these decisions  – providing material support (in the form of jet engines) to our enemies – don’t get arrested for treason. And stuff like this happens a *lot* more than you’d think.

Were you aware that in the Afghanistan war, NATO paid the Taliban to allow their resupply convoys to pass through enemy territory unmolested? It sounds insane but apparently it’s true. Now I’m just a simple engineer obsessed with German toilets, windows, and trains but I fail to see how this meets any tactical or strategic goals.

Also, I really, really, REALLY want to see the paperwork for these transactions. I’m taking about the briefing notes, the requisitions, the description of the line items, a copy of the contract, the relevant policy, a copy of the receipt indicating the services were completed on time, all of it.

These are the sorts of banal documents that get entire countries to withdraw their armies from participating in disastrous, expensive, foreign military adventures – you know, the ones that clearly demonstrate to the taxpayers of that country, the absolute folly of the whole exercise.

And here is a S-75 Dvina high-altitude air defence system (aka – surface to air missile). As I’m writing this I have no idea why I was so surprised to see one of these on display. The Wikipedia page for this weapon says they made 4,600 of them. But with no price tag included, I had to estimate a unit cost of about $500,000 in 2015 USD (based on the cost of a comparable American system from the same era).

S-75 Dvina

If you do the math that’s $2.3 billion (excluding O&M costs) that various governments have spent over the years on an “investment” that has had a very, very limited ability to help better the lives of their citizens. And the best part is, you know how people complain that nowadays we don’t build things to last or be serviced? Well, in the nineteen fifties that’s exactly how things were built. So today we have these weapon systems all over the world that are still operational. You should check out the list of countries. Makes for interesting reading.

I’m not sure about the rest of your Facebook feeds, but over the past few weeks mine has seen a huge increase in the number of posts relating to the upcoming Canadian federal election. While a lot of these posts have been of the Harper-must-go-variety, many have revolved around the act of voting, but with a serious bent on getting Harper out (does anyone here recall how the anyone-but-Bush campaign turned out for the Democratic Party in 2004? And Canada has four parties on the left to split the vote).

I’m not sure if it’s a result of the perfect storm of nine years of Harper Rule and social media finally having permeated every aspect of our existence, but I feel my non-voting in this election requires some sort of explanation – the rest of you seem to be putting a lot of Facebook energy into this whole thing; the least I can do is let you know what’s going on upstairs at Jason’s place.

I’ll start by saying that if I were back in Ottawa I would totally go vote on Ballot Day. The polling station is super close to my house and I like flirting with the ladies working the registration tables.

“Hi Cynthia, has it been *four* years already? That’s way too long! When you’re doing you tabulation, see if you can make it minority government – they rarely last longer than eighteen months.”

But sadly I will not be voting this time round. There are several reasons why this is. I will list them for you now.

1. I can’t.
I’m overseas and my polling station is about 33,000 kilometres to the east of the bar I’m sitting in right now. There is an election going on over here but it’s not a Canadian one.

If Szymon Huptys thinks he’s getting my vote for Region Two District Comptroller, he needs to read up on the local voter eligibility laws.

2. I missed the advanced polling.
All the advanced voting took place weeks after I’d already left home. If they’re going to double the length of the campaign they should do the same for the advanced polling window. Makes sense to me.

3. I didn’t to do the mail-in ballot.
Technically I could have voted through the mail but that required me to do a bunch of things (go online, read a procedure, I think send in a letter (purchase a stamp), maybe photocopy something). Before this trip my brain was in full-on get-ready-for-travel mode and it pushed aside some other non-travel tasks (of which mail-in voting was one).

4. I forgot.
I heard a few weeks ago that one could vote at any Elections Canada office but by the time I did remember this as an option it was already too late. I was in Toronto about to fly overseas and all my election-related gear (old-style heath card with no picture, voter registration card, a hydro bill with my name and address on it) was back in Ottawa.

5. My roommate has integrity.
My request to have someone else cast my ballot for me on election day was declined.

6. It would cost too much.
I could fly home and cast my ballot and then fly back to my holiday but that would be prohibitively expensive. About $2,635 and 48 hours hours of travel.

7. It makes no difference which party I vote for.
All the main political parties are (to me, for this election) the same. There is one issue that is very important to me and none of the parties have even mentioned it. If you’re a single-issue voter (like I am) and the choices are all terrible, what are you supposed to do? Many of you would lose your minds if I spoke about this issue publicly so I’m going to save us both the trouble and keep it to myself. And the best part is – because this issue is so contentious, I didn’t have to do any research to determine where each party stands. I know this because my Facebook page would have exploded with Facebook rage if anyone had even mentioned thinking about proposing a motion against the idea. Even though New Zealand implemented the exact same thing back in 2001 and last time I checked, they seemed to be doing ok.

8. People keep telling me that I *have* to vote.
Hey, guess what – no, I don’t. There’s something that irks me just a tiny bit about being told I *have* to do something. It kinda makes me want to do the opposite.

9. Where’s our Bernie Sanders?
I’m not seeing a candidate who is proposing to fix the stupid flaws (or are they stupid features?) of the *system*. It seems to me that there’s something fundamentally wrong when the Prime Minister can basically micro manage the entire country for nine years. I don’t expect Stephen Harper to run on a platform of adding checks and balances to the office of the PM, but I’m not hearing anything from the other candidates on this same topic. Candidates whom, I might add, will enjoy the same powers Mr. Harper did, should they emerge victorious.

10. And finally, isn’t the whole process kind of pointless?
As Mark Twain famously once said, “If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.” In the past when things were like they are this time round, I used to vote Green to give that party $2.00 (via the per-vote subsidy). I like the idea of supporting the underdog (and also shining a light on environmental issues) but I can’t do that this year because the program was cancelled by the well-funded Progressive Conservatives back in 2011. Pointlessness restored.

Anyway, there’s your list. I understand that you might not agree with / understand every single reason, so my suggestion for you is to pick the one that you most identify with and ignore the rest. If you dislike all ten reasons, tell yourself I would have voted against the guy you support – it effectively doubles the value of your own vote.

Also: try not think about what zero times two is.

I’m a pretty seasoned traveller but every now and then I do a make a fail (or two). But the good thing is the more I travel, the fewer mistakes I make. This is a result of my accrued knowledge about how to travel and my experience dealing with the unanticipated. I’ve made two major blunders on this trip so far and in the interests of making my pain your gain, I will share them with you now.

1. I didn’t do the online checkin three hours before my flight to Paris and the stupid fartface discount airline charged me 35 euros to checkin at the airport.

I’ve used some of these discount european airlines in the past, but I’m more of a train guy. I prefer to take my time and meander around a country, talking to the locals about their customs and ways of life. Also the average air travel experience is about as pleasant as a naked tax audit in front of your high school graduating class – keep packing ’em in, boys!

Anyway, so the way these airlines make their money is that they get you on the flight with a cheap ticket then they charge you for every additional thing they can possibly think of. And I’m cool with that. For example, if you’re carrying extra luggage, you should be charged accordingly. But the idea of instituting some arbitrary time to close the online checkin and forcing the passengers to use the physical checkin and possibly miss their flights, is a dick move. Also, if you’re going to do this the *least* you could do is have your stupid app return an error code indicating the reason for why the online checkin is not working.

2. Yesterday I went to see a Hollywood movie and I could not understand what was being said 10% of the time.

If you’re traveling overseas sometimes it can be a challenge to find a screening of the original language version of a given film. This is because in the bigger markets like France, Germany, Italy, and Spain they dub most of the foreign movies. But in the smaller markets they use subtitles. This might seem like an advantage but it only works if the viewer has sufficient comprehension in all the languages being spoken in the film. If the original film has english subtitles for the non-english dialogue, when the movie goes overseas the english subtitles are replaced with ones in the local language.

So yesterday I found myself watching Sicario (2015) (I don’t know how to pronounce it – the title is never spoken during the film so I’m not sure if it’s a hard or a soft c). And about fifteen minutes into the film they went down to Mexico and it’s all Spanish being spoken and I understood exactly one word: “jalapeño”.

This fail was a direct result of my movie watching policy: that is I go into the cinema with the least amount of knowledge about the film I’m about to watch. This practice heightens the movie-going experience by reducing spoilers to almost zero and making routine aspects of the film (setting, actors, etc) more of a surprise. The downside is that one can get caught off guard with seemingly minor things – like the presence of subtitles.

But I understood most of it, so it was no big deal. The other film I was planning on seeing is the Martian (2015). But I think I’ll wait until I get home to watch it so I can understand what the alien is saying.

An awesome film, dubbed in French.

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So I’ve had a couple of days to assess this new country and I have to say: I’m quite impressed. It very much reminds me of Germany. Many Germans have this unusual (by Canadian standards) habit of waiting for the don’t walk signal to change before they cross the street. They do this even if there are no cars around. I’ve written about this before.

Well, they do that here in Krakow, but they do it just a little bit different. It seems to me that the pedestrians and the motorists have some sort of strange understanding about how they are supposed to interact at the no-traffic-light crosswalks.

If you’ve never seen one of these before, they’re basically a crosswalk (usually in the middle of a street – not close to an intersection) that is marked by zebra stripes painted on the pavement and a triangular traffic sign with blue border and a symbol of a walking stick dude. Other cities have these, but the act of using one to cross the street is not the same as it is here in Krakow.

In other cities I’ve traveled to, the pedestrian makes eye contact with the driver and heads out into the street. That happens here but sometimes the pedestrians will do this thing where they wait and do a survey of the larger traffic situation before engaging the approaching motorist. They will then delay their crossing if it’s beneficial to the vehicular traffic. For example, if there are additional vehicles blocking the other side of the street, the pedestrian will stay put and motion the car through.

It’s a subtle thing but it has added a certain quality to my time here. Good on you Polish people (Krakow district). Keep up the good existence.

They also had a system for audibly presenting the streetcar timetables (for passengers with visual impairments). I like.

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Since my first trip outside Canada (Washington DC, 1984) I’ve been keeping track of all the different countries I’ve visited. And I have to say, it’s been one of my more enjoyable pastimes.

Everyone likes making lists of things and there’s nothing more satisfying than opening up a document on your computer, scrolling down, and typing a few words and a date on the keyboard.

So on Tuesday I added Poland to my list of visited countries.

And it’s a pretty neat place. It reminds me of Germany but everyone is speaking a language I don’t understand. As I was walking to my AirBnB from the train station I passed a shop called the Alkohole. I thought that was a pretty clever name for the local LCBO until I passed like fifty more “alkohole” shops and figured out that it’s just the polish word for booze.

Today is supposed to be pretty nice – sunny, hight of 13. I’m going to go explore the city on foot.

There’s an LCBO in Edmonton called Liquor Spot – also a clever name.

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Right now I’m in a new, unnamed country. Well the country has a name, it’s just that I have decided not to reveal it yet. You know, the suspension and all that.

The reason for this delay is because I wanted to write a little more about my visit to France. It used to be that I went to Germany all the time – and I still do – but I realized just now that during my latest travels to Europe (including this one) I’ve been to France way more than I’ve been to Germany. This is unusual for me.

One thing I noticed about this trip vs. Dec 2014 and Feb 2014 is that there are armed soldiers patrolling the streets of Paris. From what I can tell they seem to be mostly in the tourist and jewish areas (I didn’t really go anywhere else).

This decision to deploy the army domestically is a difficult one for me. On one hand I think it’s a good thing but on the other hand I think it’s a bad thing. Allow me to elaborate / explain.

Good Thing

When there’s no war going on France is essentially paying their soldiers to sit around and play solitaire or (hopefully) some sort of European-style board game (where do I sign up?) Maybe it’s a good thing to get them off their butts and walking around (how quickly can I resign?)

These soldiers are carrying what looks to me to be some variant the FAMAS-F1 assault rifle – a quality weapon. The shorter barrel length maintains all the advantages (muzzle velocity, accuracy) of a conventionally configured rifle while improving on maneuverability and reducing weight.

If there is any sort of incident, these soldiers will make short work of the bad guys.

It does show off to the world (or at least visitors to Paris) some of France’s most attractive citizens. French people are (in general) very beautiful but these uniformed soldiers are fit and uniformed and beautiful – a triple threat. That one lady soldier we saw was smoking hot and all the guy soldiers were very good looking too.

Are they Army or the Air Force? Merchant Marines? The Domestic French Foreign Legion?

Bad Thing

What the fuck is going on that has armed soldiers patrolling the streets? Is France having an October Crisis or something and why didn’t I hear about it?

Is this a permanent thing or are their any plans to address whatever it is that made the government decide to deploy these guys in the first place? Publicly deploying the army domestically during peacetime doesn’t really promote Paris as a safe place to visit.

If there’s an incident at Montmartre with the guys who assaulted / extorted my mother back in 2008, it is unknown what these soldiers are going to do if there are no police around. This information is important #DontShootMe

It’s not the army’s mandate to operate in the urban environment of a city that is not at war and is populated by millions of their fellow countrymen and harmless tourists from Canada. Do the soldiers have the proper training for this mission?

Other

I also have some general questions. If anyone out there in Internet world has the answers, please feel free to leave them in the comments.

Am I allowed to talk to the soldiers? I’m fascinated by the army and I would love to sit down with these guys and buy them a few beers. I almost joined up myself but my mild dyslexia prevented me from enlisting. Well, that and my fear of pushups.

How much does their gear weigh?

How do they stay hydrated in the summer?

What is the protocol for going to the toilet? (The French don’t use the term “washroom” unless there’s a bathtub in there.) They’re not wearing army diapers under their body armour are they? It must take like forty minutes to get dressed and undressed.

How long does it take them to get dressed and undressed?

Do they get coffee breaks? Lunch? Do the majority of soldiers brownbag it or do they eat at the McDo?

In the winter do they wear uniforms that are all white? And when it snows do they ski around Paris like Finland did against Russia during the Winter War (1939-1940)? If the answer is “no” maybe this is something they should consider. The Finns had a lot of success with this tactic.

What sort of support are they able to call in? Armour? Airstrikes? Some sort of amphibious assault vehicle that rises out of the river?

Do the Geneva Convention and the laws of war override French domestic law?

Are the police pleased or annoyed to have these guys walking around and getting all the attention from the tourists?

I’m going to guess “annoyed” (this guess is based on what the police officers from this photo are doing – issuing a parking ticket for some guy’s tricycle while wearing rollerblades)

Do they take they guns home at night or do they have to leave them somewhere? Is there an army base in the middle of Paris or have they rented some space in the police headquarters?

Anyway, when presented with a subject like this one I usually lean in one direction or the other but this time I’m actually quite balanced. I might have to do some more thinking. Maybe if the Internet answers some of my questions I will be able to come to some satisfactory conclusion.

It was fun hanging out with Steve and going to see all the sites and stuff but I’ve been to Paris a bunch of times so I didn’t bother taking many photos. But lucky for you, Steve had never been to France before so he was snapping away like crazy. And he was kind enough to share his photos with me. So here is your visual recap of our tourist time in Paris.

Enjoy!

Bastille Roundabout and Traffic Circle. By removing the prison they decreased the rate of death by incarceration but increased the rate of vehicular manslaughter.

Here’s us at the Eiffel Tower. They named it after the guy who got other people to build it.

Montmartre – (Mountain of the Dead – literal translation). Amelie Poulin lived here.

Arc de Triomphe – My english language spellchecker had a lot of problems with this one.

H&M (Haggart and Manners) – me and Steve in front of one our retail stores.

In line at the Louvre. We missed the free day by 24 hours.

One of my all time favourite Simpsons episodes is the one where Homer steals the Gummi Venus de Milo.
“the rarest gummi of them all, it was carved by gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of gummi”

The end.

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I find most art uninteresting and I think it’s the same for most people. I’ve noticed recently that I’m most aware of this when I visit a giant museum like the Louvre. There’s such a large variety of genres and mediums that it’s impossible for the curators to configure the displays for the specific tastes of one individual.

But I seem to keep coming back for more. Invariably on a trip like this one I find myself on a rain-filled day, wandering around some converted castle looking at about a million paintings of Jesus and a bunch of naked statues (but never a naked Jesus).

Today Steve and I visited the Louvre. I’ve been here once before so I didn’t really bother to pay much attention to the art (spoiler alert: it’s all John the Baptist [it’s a misnomer – he was actually Jewish], David, and Jesus). Instead what I focussed on were the displays and how difficult it must be to hang some of the larger paintings.

Check out this one.

How much do you think it weighs? As much as a car? It must be twice the size of a soccer goal. Do you think the artist painted it in place and then they built the museum around it? And even the frame is insane. The top and bottom are two pieces but both verticals are solid wood. Incredible.

Oh yeah, we also saw the Mona Lisa.

It’s the painting equivalent of the Hunt for Red October (1990)

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The reason I decided to visit Paris on this trip overseas was to hang out with my buddy / friend / guy Steve who is in town on his way to Normandy to attend his cousin’s wedding. Right now we’re sitting on a bench between the North and South Pliers of the Eiffel Tower watching the interactions between the tourists and the people who are trying to extract money from them.

I like sitting and watching things like this. At first it seems all chaotic but after a few hours some patterns start to emerge.

The African guys are selling one of four things – eiffel Tower key chains, mini Eiffel Tower towers, scarves, and telescoping selfie sticks. And I have to say I’m quite impressed with them. They’re polite – not pushy at all and they speak English surprisingly well. But the thing I like best is that they’re hocking goods that people are actually buying.

They’ve got the perfect souvenirs (the keychains) – they’re small, cheap and unmistakably Paris. The scarves are useful because it’s getting cold. And the selfie sticks are a really neat way to take a non-selfie photograph while reducing the risk of your camera getting stolen by someone who can run faster than you can.

Peace

One of the (many) things that depressed me about last year’s trip to Istanbul was that you’d see people (often times grown men) selling the most ridiculous things like pink fuzzy headbands or cheap kids toys. These people were obviously incredibly poor and in need of the money but I rarely saw anyone buy anything from them. The guys selling trinkets here (they’re mostly from Senegal I think) seem to be doing okay business.

There are also these women that are trying to get people to fill out a petition or something. I ask one of them about the cause they’re supporting and she gives me a very nebulous response about a Syrian child in a wheelchair or something. I inquire about where they’re all from and she says, “Bosnia.” My limited linguistic skills prevent me from identifying the language they are speaking. Here’s a photo.

Is it even possible to determine someones nationality through visual means alone?

A few minutes later a dance group from Seville Spain shows up and gives a free performance. The girls are very good and it brings a smile to my face.

I should pay WordPress the $15 upgrade so I can upload videos to this blog. These girls were having a lot of fun – the picture doesn’t do them justice.