Trump Inauguration Survival Kit

(I wrote this for you, Aunt Elva. I hope you’re feeling better!)

So last week I sent my brother and his wife a Trump Inauguration Survival Kit to help them make it through the first hour of a Trump administration. They were all geared up to go see Hillary get sworn in but unfortunately Trump won so now they’re going to stay home and watch the festivities on CNN (pray their news on Friday is fake and this is all a terrible dream).

The kit contains

1. Pocket-sized U.S. Constitution – win political arguments with the greatest of ease (and a magnifying glass – the printing is really small)
2. Hand warmers – warning: do not use them to try and melt Trump’s cold, cold heart.
3. Ten U.S. dollars – bribe your way into anywhere!
4. First Edition hardback copy of The Art of the Deal – financial planning has never been easier!
5. Mickey of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky – to help numb the senses and forget the pain
6. Copy of the Inauguration Drinking Game – resist the temptation to chug the whole bottle
7. Book Hide – if the $10 doesn’t work

For my book hide, I originally wanted to carve up a real copy of The Art of the Deal but when I visited the Chapters bookstore I discovered a paperback copy was $22 plus tax. The thought of giving any money (even indirectly) to that horrible, horrible man made me want to vomit with rage, so I did what I do best – I improvised. I took some pictures of the cover of the Trump book and I printed them out and glued them to the a copy of Cassandra Clare’s New York Times bestselling novel, City of Bones: The Mortal Instruments.

Sorry Cassandra

And when I went to the Chapters to get those photos, I had no idea what section a book called Trump The Art of the Deal would be found in. Biography? Financial planning? Fiction? True crime? So I looked it up on the computer and printed out a receipt with the book’s info. I then gave that paper to one of the employees (a kid in his early twenties) to help me find it in the store.

In complete silence he took the slip from me, looked at it, walked me to the section, pointed at the book, walked away, and then as he was leaving he dropped the receipt on a nearby table where two of his friends were sitting and then went back to work – all without saying a word. The two girls at the table laughed in horror (I think it was horror – it could have been irony) and I reassured them that I was not actually buying the book. I also used their books to prop up the Trump book to help me get a photo of the spine.