Die Hard Three

has got to be this:

This is a Piccadilly Line service for Cockfosters.

I could write for pages about why it’s so awesome (but I won’t, mostly because it’s so obvious but mostly because I’m so lazy). Some people use motivational posters and quote-of-the-day calendars as a source of inspiration to help them get through difficult times, but not me. All I need is that robot lady with the British accent telling me where I am (Piccadilly Line) and which direction I am heading (Cockfosters).

Most people don’t know where they are and they definitely don’t know where they’re going. This is a huge problem. Think of all those thousands of Canadian Civil Servants who have spent the better part of the last twenty-five years trying to procure aircraft for our military and coastguard. It must be absolutely soul-crushing to spend the most productive third of your life, day in and day out asking the same questions, “Did the helicopters come in yet?”, “Any word on the helicopters?”, and “I had to go to the toilet and I saw Shaun from receiving called. Do you think we got the shipment of helicopters we ordered?”

When taxpayers complain about government procurement they focus on the financial cost. This doesn’t concern me. Newsflash – the system was not designed with cost-savings in mind. What concerns me is all these people who are forced* to work on these endless**, meaningless*** projects for years and years. In the damage assessments that inevitably follow these failed programs, no one ever takes into account the toll on these broken people. If they did, the report would be even that much more depressing.

Service.

* If you think they can just quit, I have another eight-word phrase for you: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!”

** Still no helicopters.

*** If the core objectives (i.e. procurement and helicopters) of the project don’t end up happening, it’s a pointless exercise.

I know you are all dying to hear about the bank robbery I witnessed and my bumping into Australian screen legend / teen heartthrob Hugh Jackman. Before I get into all that I think a reminder is in order – you don’t come here for tales of shootouts and celebrity gossip. You read my blog for the in-depth analysis of urban transportation and utility infrastructure.

Like most visitors to this amazing city, I’m fascinated by the different utility access covers on the sidewalks and roads here in Sydney.

I can only imagine what’s under there.

They have access holes for every underground service imaginable. There’s gas.

Lots of gas

There’s covers for water valves

For filling up the low-flow German wall-mounted toilets.

And covers for mobile phone switches.

For ordering the low-flow German wall-mounted toilets.

There’s water and sewers combined

For the filling and emptying of low-flow German wall-mounted toilets.

There’s the mark of Slytherin.

Not exactly sure what they’re up to.

One can get access to the traffic signals via this cover.

If you’re planning a heist and you need to ensure a traffic-jam-free getaway.

Under this cover is located the mechanism to activate the Australian shadow government.

I opened it up and it appears to have been enabled for some time now.

They have no overt markings so I call these ones The Mystery Manholes (not coincidentally that’s also the working title of a novel I’m currently writing).

It’s an anthropological docudrama. Estimated completion date: December 2027.

Who knew that Brad Pitt has his own line of Australian plumbing access covers? Probably not Brad Pitt.

I think someone is trying to steal his identity.

This morning I got up at 04:50 without really having fallen asleep. I’m awake most of the night if I have to fly early the next day. We made it to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in time to get a seat the 05:15 bus (it was running late). $16 one-way to EWA (Newark Liberty Airport).

I know Americans are big on free speech and all that, but sometimes I wonder if they should outlaw irony. I can think of one “problem” it would solve – the passenger screening here at “Liberty” airport.

As we arrived at the checkpoint they aim everyone through the untested-for-longterm-effects, naked-image-taking, superpower-inducing x-ray machine. The olde-timey-fashioned metal detector is standing there roped off like some out-of-use, horribly-disproportioned Tron tank. I was wondering if there’s even an option to opt-out.

Turns out there is and I opt to take it – I already have superpowers and passing through the machine an even number of times takes them way (I’m not going to fall for that one again). They call a specialist over and after waiting for a couple of minutes he walks me around the metal detector (wha?) and takes me off to the side to give me my pat-down. In full view of the other customers he proceeds to do his thing. After my request to have more time spent on my frontal area is denied, he does a quick swab of my bag to test for explosives. He sends me on my way when it comes back negative (thank God – I’m always afraid they’re going to find something when they test my bag).

The only thing that was different from the previous time I was subjected to this process, was that the screeners now use the back of their hands when they inspect sensitive areas.

I prefer the old method.

This whole situation is unpleasant for everyone involved – me, the inspector, the other passengers. All of this leaves me wondering if the newer airport screening law is in conflict with some older law that prohibits strangers from sticking their hands between my butt cheeks. Someone should check on that.

The law, not my butt.

Thursday was our final night in New York City. Hopefully. We’ve already had four flights cancelled in the past three days. Wednesday we were about to get on the shuttle bus to Newark airport (EWA) when I got another notification saying there has been “an itinerary change”. We delayed getting on the bus (tickets already purchased) and called Air Canada. The nice lady said Friday morning was the earliest she could get us out. With no other options on the table, we took it.

Our research revealed that the buses and trains were not yet running. A one-way car rental from New York City to Ottawa? It’d be cheaper to go by helicopter. Options exhausted, we had to find a place to stay for two more nights. We’d been staying with a friend and didn’t want to put her out any more (props Katrina – we love you!). Interestingly her water and heating failed Thursday morning (you can come live with us!).

I checked my email from an overloaded Starbucks hotspot to find that the Travelzoo weekly specials included a Times Square hotel that was only five avenues away. The Internet connection was so shitty that it was faster to walk over than to wait for the page to load.

So this hotel called The Out had these $75 a night (per bed) in a four-bed “room share”. Sounds terrible but it was not. Just look at the photos.

Das Sink

Der non-wall toilet.

and one of the four sleeping pods.

Die “foot” of the bed.

und, the head of the bed.

Downsides include: the room was at street level – 43rd Street can be pretty noisy at all times of the day. Sharing a room with strangers – but the $75 a night rate should keep out most of the riffraff. $11 drinks at the hotel bar – it’s Manhattan, what ever!

The Internet has a lot of words describing how to get standby tickets for the Daily Show. But after experiencing it first hand, I found the current information to be inaccurate in some areas and lacking in others. So, to add to the confusion here is a description of my experience getting standby tickets for the November 1, 2012 edition of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

—

Today the GF and I were fortunate enough to get Daily Show tickets. It was our third try. On Monday we trekked halfway across the city (on foot, in a hurricane, past that pre-collapsed crane) to find out that the show had been cancelled. On Tuesday we did the same thing while avoiding the crane. Wednesday was a day of trying to find lodging and food (God bless the good people at Five Guys on 42nd Street).

This brings us to Thursday – with nothing official on the itinerary we decided for one final attempt to gain admission to the Daily Show.

Caveat #1 – This information is subject to change – the Daily Show people could alter their procedures at any time. If your experience differs from what I’ve written here please make a comment and I will amend the post.

Caveat #2 – Hurricane Sandy has made this a strange week – I’m not sure if this affects the accuracy of any of this.

0. This is what the building looks like – the awning overhead provides some shelter in the event of rain / snow. It is located on 11th Avenue between 51st and 52nd Street.

The Building

1. We arrived at 12:30 – there was no lineup

2. People started lining up at around 12:45 – they had received confirmation notices and they were there to collect their tickets. We got in line a little after 13:00 and there were 23 people in front of us.

3. With the line stretching the length of the building and most of the way back, the doors opened at 14:30 and the tickets were distributed. Each ticket was numbered with the first person in line getting number one, the second person getting number two and so on. The low-numbered tickets were yellow. The higher-numbered ones blue.

4. When we got to the front of the line the guy said to come back at 16:00 for standby tickets.

5. I returned at around 15:10 to find the last of the people getting their reserved tickets and a line up of seven individuals waiting for standby tickets.

6. By 15:45 there were about ten people behind us in the standby line when the guy decided to give out the remaining tickets for the no-shows. We got numbers 197 and 198. There were 200 in total.

The Ticket

7. The ticket guy said that a ticket still does not guarantee admission – I was thinking that maybe they oversell the event to ensure a packed house.

8. We were told to return at 16:30. I hung around cause I have OCD. The GF found a pub cause she’s Finnish.

9. Next they set up these little pens for the different ticket groups.

Free-Range Ticket Holders – they seem so happy compared to

The Confined-Range Ticket Holders

10. They started letting people in at around 16:30. It took them a while to get to us because they were admitting people sequentially based on the ticket number.

11. We got to the front of the line and they let us in no problem. There were five people at the end of the line who had no tickets at all and they let in one guy (there was one unfilled seat).

12. Unrelated to standby tickets, Jon was not joking when he said that Larry Flint’s Hustler Club is one block away.

.

13. The evidence

I think these establishments are in the welding district.

Good luck with your ticket hunting. If this proved useful and you want to show your appreciation, should you find yourself with an extra ticket, drop me a line and I’ll see if I can make it down to NYC.

— Jason, Friday November 2, 2012

So now Air Canada has us on a flight at 08:40 Friday to Ottawa via Toronto.

Look at the pretty picture.

Going for breakfast now.

It appears this adventure is slowly coming to an end. We’re booked on a flight out of Newark at 20:40 to YUL and then we have to take a bus back to Ottawa – ETA: 01:30 Thursday. I’m pretty disappointed to be missing Hallowe’en – I organized a kick-ass party that I won’t be able to attend. Someone needs to develop a Facebook filter that will block out all the awesomeness one does not want to be reminded of.

I was recently asked to provide a list of lessons learned from this trip. Now I know that technically the trip is not over. And I am also aware that the remaining nineteen hours could produce many nuggets of wisdom. So here is what I propose – if I learn anything useful between now and when I get home, I will make a separate post describing my learnedness. Deal? Thank you. So here is your list.

• New York motorists are the most thoughtful of any city I’ve ever been to. If all the traffic lights are out and you’re waiting  at a crosswalk with a hundred other people they’ll stop without any prompting and let everyone cross.
• For the purposes of airport security, peanut butter is considered a liquid.
• You can always depend on the kindness of strangers.
• Starting up your own art gallery in New York is really, really hard. Especially if Chantal doesn’t pull her weight.

There is some crazy shit to be found in storm debris.

The United States is a fully bilingual country.

The Natural History Museum is stuck in the eighties.

And as we make our way to Newark, I want to share with you the best quote from the greatest movie ever made.

Samantha: Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.
Mitch: Yeah? Well, don’t be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

Killer-Death Storm Update. The good news: I’m fine. So is the GF. Bad news, Cleveland is not doing well. Just watch this shocking video.

Lots of crazy wind but no flooding where we are. Went out last night to check it out.

Just look at this tree.

There’s garbage everywhere!

We’re booked on a flight out of LGA at 08:10 Wednesday. I still have not been able to locate a can opener.

wish us luck!

This is just a test post. I got a new iPhone last week and I want to try out the blogging app.

Here’s the view from the window of the temporary shelter they sent us to.

I’m not convinced this mega-hurricane is all that. On the television they keep showing images of these kids playing on the beach in front of the waves.

If they’d just say where, I’d go join them.