Die Hard Three

So after sleeping only one hour last night in Vilnius and almost missing my flight, I finally arrived this morning in Paris – a place I like to call: the City of Lights. I’ve always been a fan of calling cities by their informal names, but I have to say, I’m a bit uncomfortable with this one.

The problem is I’m not sure why they call it that – all modern cities have lights, don’t they? And Paris wasn’t even the first city to get artificial lighting. I mean, everyone knows electricity was invented in America. It doesn’t really make any sense.

The city where I’m from also has a moniker that I take exception to: Ottawa – The Town that Fun Forgot. First of all, I’m pretty sure that Fun has forgotten many things (not just this one town). By her very nature Fun often gets drunk and has difficulty recalling what happened the night before.

And second, how can one claim that Ottawa is not fun? With two board game cafes (open late!) and deadly cold winters that help promote Netflix bing-watching (an essential part of modern human pair bonding) The Town That Fun Forgot should be called – The Town That Had Too Much Fun.

Paris: The Town That Got Graffito Tagged Too Much

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The primary motivation behind my decision to visit Vilnius is that it happens to be the real-life birthplace of my fictional hero: legendary submarine captain Marko Ramius. This may seem like an unusual reason to fly halfway across the planet but it most definitely is not.

I remember traveling to the UK back in ’97 and going to visit Stratford to see the birth town of William Shakespeare. If I recall correctly, their entire economy was built around this one guy – and they seemed to be doing pretty well. And in 2009 I went to Tunisia to see the hotel where Luke Skywalker lived with his aunt and uncle before they were brutally killed by Stormtroopers, in what I recognize now to be, hands down, the most violent scene in Star Wars (1977).

Now I’m not suggesting that Lithuania re-vector their entire economy to one that is based *entirely* on the life and teachings of Marko Ramius, but maybe, just maybe they could set up a statue or possibly a small museum that is dedicated to this important fictional character. A character, I might add, who helped make The Hunt for Red October (1990) the current Pinnacle of Human Achievement.

The City of Vilnius (view from the Castle)

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the list of places I would disappear to in the event I had to fake my own death.

Coming in at number seventeen is Lithuania! I was thinking the exact same thing – are you for reals? Yup, there are dozens of reasons why one would want to live in Vilnius. Here are the best ones I’ve come up with so far in the eight hours I’ve been here.

First up they have a crazy alphabet. So many new letters to make fun of. There’s this one accent I’ve never seen before – it’s a half circle that can be found floating above many s’s and z’s (both upper and lowercase). Incredible.

Just like the second season of Parks and Recreation (2009-2015) so many hilarious new characters…

Next, the girl working the tourist information kiosk at the airport totally made fun of me in a mean and sarcastic manner when I tried (unsuccessfully) to locate the (obviously) English pile of city maps from amongst all the other languages. This speaks volumes to confidence, I mean, how cock-sure must this country be to assign the vital task of greeting new visitors to a brooding, angst-filled, sixteen year-old girl? Lithuania is going places and I want to get in on the ground floor.

Also, there’s no election going on over here. You know what would ruin my vacation – if the visuals of my walking tour of Vilnius were marred by posters of political candidates trying desperately to get me to vote. I mean, who wants to see another ad from incumbent leader Steponas Arparuskas talking up his endorsement by Dainius Zubrus (a guy who has lived outside the country for so long he’s not even allowed to vote in the election) or fourth-party candidate Elzbieta Mačiulis protesting her not being invited to the most recent debate?

Not me. This I know for sure.

And finally, in Lithuania I can continue my boycott of Hesburger – a task that, while technically possible if one resides in Sydney Australia, is much more effective if one lives within driving distance of at least one of their crappy restaurants.

I do have to say it is nice to visit a place where the natives use as few words as possible when trying to communicate. The English speaking peoples are always filling their sentences with unnecessary adverbs, superfluous adjectives, and redundant examples.

The old saying that “less is more” has never been so true as it is here in Finland. Before I visited Helsinki back in 2011, I emailed the Vantaa Bauhaus (Finland’s answer to Home Depot) to ask about their toilets.

Can you tell me how much it would cost to purchase a wall toilet at your store? I do not need the part that goes behind the wall, just the part in front.

And the response I got:

Look page 21 enclosed Bauhaus Finland magazine.

Isn’t that just great? Seven words, zero prepositions, and I got the information I was looking for!