PT 6: The Final Battle

27 Oct

Battle Final!

On the weekend I had a couple friends over to play some poker and eat some food and drink some beer. Saturday afternoon we were sitting out on the dock having a grand olde time, talking and singing and laughing about memories past.

But I couldn’t enjoy myself. Not with the Bernadette situation remaining firmly unsolved. After a few days of observation it became clear how she operated. She would come home sometime between the hours of 4 AM and 9 AM where she would park her butt on a low tree branch where she would sleep until 4 PM. Then she would climb to close to the top of the tree and feast on the delicious bark that can be found only at the top (ask any giraffe). When it got dark she’d climb down and go do her business.

The problem kept scratching at me like some sort of animal digging or climbing somewhere. What was I going to do? If my cousin found out I was harbouring a fugitive (animal) at the cottage, she might never hire me again!

And then, as the sun was beginning to set over the water, and our conversation experienced a pause, it was during that moment of silence we heard sound of twenty or so porcupine turds falling 60 ft (20 m) on to the deck below.

And it was then that I realized: porcupines pooping on random people from up in the trees is not anyone’s problem, it’s just really, really funny. The turds don’t just go straight down, they ricochet off branches and land in people’s drinks and food. And maybe, just maybe, if the victim looks up – at just the right moment – he could get one right in the face.

So later that evening when she made her way down to the forrest floor, I stood by and watched. We made eye contact and exchanged a look of understanding.

I’m going to miss you, Bernadette. Hopefully we’ll both be invited back next year. And I’ll be sure to bring some little umbrellas for my food and drink.

The end.

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