Die Hard Three

I think I figured out what’s wrong with the Finnish written language. It’s pretty obvious to anyone that spends more than five minutes in Finland that there is something afoul with the writing. I can’t say for sure but this is probably what happened.

Contrary to what you were told in school “writing” is not magic, it’s actually a technology like agriculture or space travel is. What I mean is that it had to be invented. But after its invention a given technology itself actually behaves more like a virus in that it gets transmitted from society to society. If the society likes the idea it usually keeps it. If it does not like it – it gets thrown on the ground.

Writing was pretty late arriving in Finland relative to the rest of Europe. The country is kind of isolated, hiding all the way up in the north with none of the other countries paying much attention to her. This mostly had to do with the volleyball-sized mosquitoes in the summer and the non-stop freezing-cold ice-rain snow-blizzards in the winters. To make matters worse, the Finnish language is not even closely related to any of the world’s non-Estonian languages.

So when the concept of using physical markings to represent voice sounds arrived in Finland the locals embraced it with an unusual ferocity. These Finns are clever people. They know a good idea when they see one. But they seem to have rushed into it. It’s important to remember that when you’re building the written form of a language for the first time, your work is going to be around for a long time so you better get it right.

In a nutshell here is what happened. They dropped the high-value Scrabble letters

X W G B C

and absolutely loaded up on the umlauts and the double vowels. Just look at this:

Two umlauted letters in a row? What is this madness?

The consequences of this should be obvious to everyone: it is impossible for anyone but the most gifted linguists to learn how to read Finnish. But I’ve been told several times by several different people that I have to learn it. Well as I’ve demonstrated here I think my skills are better used elsewhere – specifically to build a jigsaw puzzle-piece-sorting robot. That is my calling. Some might argue that I can do both. To those people I say: note the use of the singular in the expression “my calling”. There can be only one.

The motorists here drive awfully fast for a country where fuel is seven dollars a litre. And if you have not been able to figure out where I am – even with that most recent clue (and it was huge) – I will tell you now that I am in Finland – aka Land of the Finns, aka Nokiastan, aka Umlautia.

I can see now in my mind the various peoples of my readership staring at their computers monitors and mobile telephones.  Their faces displaying looks that are a mixture of annoyance and discomfort (which a passer-by might mistake for simple gas).

Aw, come on Jason. You were just there like three months ago. Can’t you visit some place *else*? We already heard about Finland.

As we were driving to our destination on Friday I was asking myself this exact same question (albeit with much less whining) when our tour guide actually said the following words.

And right here you have a very famous gas station.

I was speechless. Is this what the once-mighty nation of Finland has been reduced to? A famous gas station? A country that once hosted the good Olympics (summer) and the Nordic eX-treme Games all in the same century.

Well the answer to both (and actually all*) your questions is a resounding “no”. Sorry to disappoint. As you will read over the next few days, Finland still has many things that are guaranteed to amaze and surprise** you.

So for those of you that are right now piloting motor vehicles and various sorts of heavy machinery, buckle up.  And the rest of you (whom I assume are reading this on the bus where there are no buckles) get ready for the literary ride of your life!

Kerpla!

Must be down by 18:00. Was not.

* Santa Clause? Easter Bunny? Wiarton Willie? Free will? God? Decreasing expanding universe? Meaning?

** Amazement and surprisement not guaranteed. Not valid in Quebec or California.

Someone should make a movie about a guy who travels to a far-away land for his girlfriend’s grandparent’s 60th wedding anniversary where he meets the majority of her immediate and extended family for the first time and ends up spending a few hours sitting naked with them in an eighty-degree Celsius heated room interrupted periodically by visits to the freezing cold lake.

It’s an action drama but for comedic relief every time the protagonist goes into the living room he hits his head on the light fixtures hanging from the ceiling.

Hilarious!

This traveling part of my vacation has been…. let’s say… non-standard. First up I paid $1400 for the flight – way more than I’m used to spending (peak season travel to a “remote” part of the world). Second, I had two stopovers – I usually try to minimize those.

Speaking of stopovers, in Halifax I met a fellow Canadian who was also flying through Iceland but she was going to meet her boyfriend in Holland. I try not to be evangelical but when it comes to traveling, sometimes I cannot help myself. So Mackenzie, here is your link.

Come join us on the other side. It’s beautiful!

In Iceland while writing my postcards I shared a table with a woman from Vladivostok. I have to visit this place sometime. Russia is a massive country.

Third the multiple stopovers have confused me because each was in a different timezone and currently I don’t know when now is.

Fourth, the days are so long here that midnight is about 20:00 back home.

Doesn’t seem like 23:00 does it?

And finally, we’re staying in a motel similar to the one we stayed in when I was a kid on the fishing trip when I almost got hit by a train.

There’s a track nearby but the trains are whisper-quiet. Thank God.

Help me count the ironies!

Irony courtesy of Iceland Air. Irony’s favourite airline.

I now know why Percy Jackson decided to film his Hobbit movies in Iceland. Just look at this.

I have this ongoing debate with a friend of mine; it’s been raging for years. We’re trying to figure out the answer to the age-old question – at what point can you say you’ve visited a country?

You think it’s straightforward, but you’re wrong.

There are many schools of thought on the subject but one thing is clear – a passport stamp is not sufficient (or in some cases even necessary). The most important thing is to partake in the culture of the country in question. Some examples would be, eating the local cuisine, visiting some giant corporate art, being gouged on the price of a postage stamp, experiencing the weather and landscape. For example on my most recent trip to Japan we ate every meal at America Town. We might as well have been in Toronto. Oh, and you have to physically leave the airport / train station / bus depot / ferry terminal / dirigible landing platform / spaceport.

By the definition I have myself created in the previous paragraph I have now visited the country of Iceland. Take that Lemon. What a magical land it is. There are airports as far as the eye can see. And car rental agencies. Many car rental agencies. Check it:

Legend has it that the first Transformer was conceived right here in Iceland.

I was very hungry after my flight.

The world’s first “e-yogurt”

Some of you will be receiving a postcard mailed from this very box.

Most of you will have settle for Visa bills and junkmail from a former Olympian explaining why he’s the best guy to sell your house.

The landscape was amazing!

Check out this vegetation.

And these clouds.

I wonder what they’re made of.

I’ve become so comfortable. This place… it’s like I’ve lived here my whole life

and never bothered to learn the local language.

We have this expression here in Iceland:

A nation knows when three know.

It’s a reference to our tiny airport-based economy and similarly-scaled infrastructure. Well, that and the fact that the population of the entire country numbers in the hundreds. What’s important to know is that us Icelanders are a very private people. We have a private island. A private language.  And when it comes to preventing the spread of personal information it’s clear what needs to be done. The expression leaves no ambiguity – one of the other two people must be eliminated. This may sound a bit extreme but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. With the third person out of the picture, the number of people that “know” will fall below the critical “three” threshold and the remaining individual will fall into line pretty damn fast.

Problem solved.

Hello everyone, I’m back for another eleven or so days of blogging. Right now I’m composing this post while watching Miami Vice (2006) in German (of course). I should be packing. I figure if I stay up late enough tonight I’ll be able to sleep the entire flight.

I’m annoyed with my flight plan (as I was Flightplan) but for different reasons. I bought my ticket without realizing that the if the Euro Cup semi final goes into overtime I’ll miss the end of the game. And sure enough my team (Germany) is playing against some other country’s team (I forget which one). Either way, I’m looking forward to the match.

Nice try.

You’re all probably wondering where I’m traveling to. You’ll have to be patient – it will be revealed in good time. And now I must return to my movie. Colin Farrell seems to have gotten himself into some sort of trouble.

For your information.Enjoy!

They're everywhere...

The trip is almost over – right now I’m on the bus home, the GF quietly sleeping next to me. This bus has access to the tubes so I’m happy to get some blogging in. It was a good trip. We got to meet up with my bro, his wife, Tom, Rachel, and Katrina. The closest I got to seeing a celebrity I care about was

this guy.

Some of the highlights from this mini-vacation include

Going to a bar called The Flying Puck and watching four different hockey games where four Canadian teams won their games – Winnipeg won in overtime, while Edmonton and Toronto both won in a shoot out. Note: the five-minute overtime in the Oilers game was some of the best hockey I’ve seen in ages. And Montreal beat Ottawa. Yes.

The hostess sat us down at the only vacant table in the entire bar – which happened to be next to four guys from Finland who were already about five beers into their evening. About an hour later one of the Finnish guys’s chair was banging into our table and when I pointed this out he quickly apologized and moved out of the way. I responded by saying “kittos” (“thanks” in Finnish). The look on his face was priceless – a mixture of confusion, bewilderment, and drunken processing of what he just heard. There may have been a bit of possible embarrassment in there too. Most Finns when traveling don’t expect the randoms at the next table to understand what they are saying.

Visited the USS Intrepid Air and Space Museum aircraft carrier. This has been a lifelong dream of mine since 1997 when I first heard about the USS Intrepid Air and Space Museum aircraft carrier. They had lots of helicopters.

But sadly there was no Blue Thunder or Airwolf.

The best part of the entire trip was this: a 1:40 scale model aircraft carrier made entirely out of Lego. Waaayyy more effective than Viagra.

Results may vary. Consult your physician.

The visit to the aircraft carrier (and the whole weekend) was almost ruined by the Norwegians (again).

They parked their ugly cruise ship right next to the beautiful USS Intrepid.

The Shamrock Shake limited-time-only promotion goes into overtime. Only in New York.

And maybe Boston.

We were unable to find the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Probably the greatest disappointment of the trip.

On Saturday I was waiting in a Starbucks for the GF who was out shopping when I noticed that someone had left an iPad just sitting there on the table. It was almost three minutes before the owner showed up. When she did arrive I asked and she simply said she got it for free so she’s not too attached to it.

Strangely the next day when we caught the subway to grab some supper with my bro and his wife, sitting opposite the door to the subway car was the same iPad lady from the Starbucks. Very weird.

The Freedom Tower is still under construction.

It's about half way done.

The Rockefeller Center has a way-better view than the Empire State Building.

It's also less crowded

and less expensive

and you can see the Empire State Building.

The subway station near our apartment had this view every time we came up onto the street.

I love magic hour.

One more time.

And finally we almost went to a jazz club on Saturday night.

Can someone please confirm for me that this sign actually says what I think it says.

Thank you.