Die Hard Three

Hello reader!

I’m going to be live blogging our turkey fry this afternoon. So keep hitting F5 for all the latest updates.

15:36 – the gear

Where did I put that fire extinguisher?

15:38 – the “food”

Damn! I forgot the Iced Cream.

16:04 – I think we’re going to need more sweet potatoes.

Not sure what to do with the onions…

16:12 – Time to fire ‘er up.

Just like Golf Wars I and II, this is all about oil.

16:17 – Low-cost foreign labour is a good thing.

They even have matching uniforms.

16:30 – changed into my deepfrying clothes.

It sounds incredible….

16:42 – As requested

Here you go, your Majesty.

16:46 – I feel so alive!

And useful.

16:52 – It’s beautiful!

Steve, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Steve. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!

17:09 –  Let us hurry. There is nothing to fear here.

That’s what scares me.

17:18 – I think the BBQ is jealous

He looks sad.

17:25 – is it in yet?

17:26 – It’s in.

18:25 – There’s going to be a feast!

Eat soon!

Steve: Jason, there is something that troubles me.

Jason: What is it?

Steve: The DeepFryer. If it is there, in Ottawa, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb. Death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.

Guess who got to come hiking with us this morning.

That’s right – Mr and Mrs Canola.

I figured I’d take them on one last adventure before we consumed them in the DeepFry event this afternoon.

Beautiful upright countertop-depth freezer for sale by its original owner. Pearl white, four shelves, three-pronged electrical outlet, lovingly maintained and cared for.

It is 48 inches tall by 24 inches wide by 24 inches deep and in perfect working condition.

Purchased from the Sears on Cyrville Rd on a warm summer day in 2004 when I needed to keep cold some delicious ice-cream I was storing for delivery to the orphanage.

The decision to part ways did not come lightly – we had some good times with Big White. I remember our annual Christmas party in 2005 when he stepped up and cooled down in record time the giant baked alaska Jennifer had borrowed from her work the previous evening. In winter we would normally just park it outside on the deck but this December was unseasonably warm and the typically docile racoons that inhabit our neighbourhood were quite agitated that year.

And who could forget the Mid-summer party of 2010? Me apparently. From what I can recall it was a bittersweet celebration. And we used Big White to flash-cool two cases of Molson Export that had been sitting for a week in Tim’s garage. Those were good times.

So you’re probably wondering why I’m selling such an awesome freezer and this is a legitimate question. I once bought a mattress online and the previous owner failed to disclose that he’d been using as a bed for his miniature horse. I drove thirty-five miles for what I thought was a great deal only to return home mattressless.

Anyway, I live in a house with five people and we used to all share one regular-sized side-by-side fridge but the freezer compartment was not big enough so I purchased Big White to store our surplus frozen goods that would not fit in the main one.

Well, two years ago I purchased and installed in my kitchen and dining room five refrigerators that each have their own freezer. With all this extra freezer space, Big White is no longer needed. Sadly, for the past two years he’s been sitting in the laundry room, quietly caring for a single bag of frozen peas that someone has long since forgotten.

So it is time for us to part ways. I have access to a pickup truck so if you want it delivered tell me where you live and I will let you know how much extra it will be.

I’ve been receiving an unusual amount of negative feedback from a recent series of blog posts revolving around my participation in a “dangerous” hike to one of the chalets in the Gatineau Park. Adding fuel to that fire, it was claimed that I amplified the situation by opening the kick-off article in a rather “dramatic” way.

Hello everyone. This might be my last post.

On top of that, instead of dousing them flames, the title of the article apparently fanned them.

Training Day for September Death Hike

So, in the interests of clarity and goodwill I’d like to take this opportunity to set a few things straight.

1. I was simply stating the obvious when I wrote that “this might be my last post”. As with every article I write on this blog (or any activity that anyone anywhere has ever done or will ever do) there is a non-zero chance it could be their final one. The future is unpredictable – for example I could have decided mid-hike to quit writing.

Or I could have started up an even better blog: DieHardFive.wordpress.com!

2. The title of the aforementioned post contained several punctuation errors. It should have read:

Training Day for September. Death? Hike!

3. But based on your reactions, most disturbing thing from that series of hiking posts was the inference that we would be visiting the “terrifying” Cabin in the Woods. Many people sent several messages begging me to get us the hell out of there. Some of the highlights: “Turn around!”, “What are you thinking?”, and “It’s a trap!”

Relax everyone. That was a name I just made up spur-of-the-moment. We were going to a cabin, it was in the woods. It made sense at the time. There was absolutely nothing to worry about.

Hi mom,

I just want to send you a quick note to let you know that we all survived the practice hike, including me.

And to help put your mind at ease, I want to assure you that if I ever do go on a hike where there is even a remote chance of encountering a bear, I will take with me several units of bear mace, bear chase, bear tase, and a 30,000 volt electro-perimeter fence (for sleeping).

I also promise not to eat any blueberries or salmon for the two weeks before the hike.

Jason

We arrived at the water tower safe and sound. Next stop the Cabin in the Woods.

We haven’t entered the park yet and I’ve already injured my dialling finger. This does not bode well.

Hello everyone. This might be my last post.

As some of you are aware I’m going to be hiking the Killarney Grizzly Bear Trail on the third weekend of September of this year. In order to get trained up I’m going on a practice hike with several friends, colleagues, and strangers this morning.

In order to stimulate a real hiking experience I’m bringing with me the exact same footgear I’m going to use in September as well as a backpack loaded with half a dozen four-inch paving stones (to simulate the weight of a full pack). The rest of the hikers think I’m carrying our water but all the containers I have with me are empty. I plan on filling them in the beautiful mountain stream when we get to the top. Carrying all that water would just make my pack heavy.

and I’m incredibly lazy.

So wish me luck. There’s a chance I could fall and injure my hand and not be able use my mobile phone to call for an evacuation helicopter. I love all of you.

As a matter of principal I ignore all forms of print advertising and I have not listened to commercial radio or watched any broadcast television in almost three years. So when my mom called me on Monday to find out if I wanted to go to the Star Wars Identities Exhibition at the Canada Aviation and Space Museum, I was really psyched. My brother (being the political junkie he is) had purchased two tickets for my sister’s children so they could experience this incredible event first hand (my parents were going to take them the following day).

For the first few hours it was all I could think about. But after my initial excitement subsided, I began to question the wisdom of bringing young children to what was obviously (in my opinion) an event marketed to teenagers, adults, and senior citizens.

I was also perplexed at the theme the organizers had chosen. Identities? What’s that all about? You’d think that the Star Wars technology would be a much bigger draw. I mean, some of the characters were interesting but I bet you twenty dollars that if they displayed some of the actual Star Wars hardware they built, they’d get way more people to show up. Either way, I figured they’d have some physical Star Wars items but I was expecting the bulk of the displays to be informational.

So I got to the museum late (my parents and nieces were already inside) and after I paid my admission I noticed that there was an image of Darth Vader on the ticket. At first I thought it was just a marketing gimmick (ok, that’s kind of clever, I guess) and when I was picking up my audio guide they were playing the John Williams Star Wars theme (I wondered how much that cost them). But then, when I actually got inside, I found myself surrounded by all these props from the Star Wars *movies*.

I scanned the hall, frantically looking for any evidence of the *real* Star Wars. You know, the kind of Star Wars one would expect to be on display in a government-funded, national museum dedicated to aviation and *space*.

I looked around for the Lockheed Martin-designed communications base stations.

There were none.

Boeing’s prototype of the satellite-borne, giga-joule space-laser and interceptor?

Negative.

The advanced terahertz radar tracking and targeting sub-system?

Nope.

The dummy Soviet warheads that were to be used as test targets in the evaluation stage of the program?

They’re probably on display in a better museum down in the United States somewhere.

The bleeding-edge command-and-control / information processing systems?

Here we have some of the costumes worn by Natalie Portman in Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

The detailed analysis of the anticipated Soviet countermeasures to the Star Wars program?

Spoiler alert: they were just going to build more of the weapons they already had – they only needed a few nukes to make it through the American defences to ensure the total destruction of their adversary. Along with the rest of us. Assholes.

The budget projections and cost estimates for the program?

Okay. I was able to find this online.

A framed picture of Ronald Reagan?

Ugh. I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed with a museum in my whole life. And to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to the identities part. I’d like to learn more about the men who thought it a good idea to try to build a hundred-billion dollar, a single-purpose, space-based, treaty-breaking, military system that could never work in practice and could be easily defeated by low-cost modifications to the existing weapons they were trying to defend against.

So, long story short: I just paid $30 to look at a bunch of movie props I already paid $50 to see in London back in 2007. Anyway, the moral of this story is: George Lucas is a mad genius. I vote we forgo all future elections and put him in charge.

And they also had this thing where you could build your own Star Wars *movie* character. Here’s mine.

For the record I did this exact same thing when I was a kid – except I built my Star Wars character out of Lego and his name was Jay Solo – Bounty Hunter Hunter!

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Here’s the map of our camping route. The red dotted line represents the canoes and some of the campers. The text describes some of the notable events.

Can you see where the power lines are? Unfortunately none of that electricity was available for our use on this trip.