Trump by the Barrelful

25 Jan

One of the many things I’ve found remarkable about the 2016 election cycle is the incredible diversity of the issues and the breadth of the discussion / debate these issues have inspired. But in spite of this plethora of things to write / talk about, it’s been near impossible to say anything original about any of it. I think there are two reasons for this.

This first is that with so many people writing, a decent (original) take is difficult to come by as someone else will have invariably gotten there first.

The second reason is that something would usually happen that would almost immediately change the political / social landscape and / or our understanding of it. In the (now) obviously volatile election cycle, any traditional understanding of what was going to happen should have been discarded (or at a minimum, examined carefully). Journalist Michael Tracey encouraged people to take this volatility seriously, but (for the most part) that’s not what we did.

A couple of weeks ago I was searching on my computer for a document when I stumbled upon a forgotten January 2016 blog post I had started writing. Save a couple of minor corrections, here it is for your reading horror.

I Don’t Think A Trump Presidency Would be The Worst Thing Ever*

The 2016 Presidential election is less than eleven months away and to commemorate the occasion I’m publishing a two-part series on everyone’s current favourite subject man – Donald Trump.

At first I was dismissive like the rest of you about the likelihood of a President Trump. I was laughing along with everyone else at the photoshopped images invading my Facebook news feed. You know the ones I’m talking about – with his hair grafted onto everyday objects and the gold TRUMP logo propped up on the roof of the White House.

But then I started using my brain muscle to analyze the situation. As regular readers of this blog are hopefully aware, my superpower is that I have the ability to understand both sides of a given issue (where the majority of humans who do not have my condition – mild dyslexia) can only see what they want to see.

A few years ago I swore an oath that I would only use my power for good, so to that end I’m going to perform sort of a PSA to help alleviate some of the anxiety that seems so widespread this election cycle.

TO THE DENIERS

There is a real chance Donald Trump could be the next President of the United States. I’m making this claim based on three things.

1. His two main opponents in the Democratic Party, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, are (respectively) under investigation by the FBI and old. Each of these characteristics could spell doom for their candidacy. Hillary could be arrested and Sanders could die – it’s what happens to the aged and the indicted.

2. The other Republican Party candidates who are running for President are all terrible.

And this is where I stopped. I never published it. After looking over my notes, from what I can recall, I think the third claim was supposed to go something like this.

3. Trump is a smart guy and he’s operating on a completely different level than his career politician opponents – this could be an advantage. His interview with Ali G was about a minute long where every other politician interviewed was either too stupid to notice they were being played or too scared to end the interview early. Trump saw right through Ali G’s schtick and bailed.

And I did write the final line of the post.

*We already have a worst thing ever: Margaret Lawrence’s The Stone Angel.

From what I can tell, my third point – the bit about Trump’s Ali G interview, is my unique (but probably not) insight into the election (it showed Trump is fearless and smart at a time when almost everyone else was saying he’s stupid and an idiot). I have not seen this Ali G interview mentioned anywhere else (as a warning to people) however I did read once where the incident was used to make fun of Trump.

And this is not to say I predicted the outcome of anything. Far from it. My fear from twelve months ago was that Trump would take a reasonable position on something important (like gun control), a poll would be released that would support his position, and then he would use it as a proverbial baseball bat in the general to clobber his Democratic opponent by claiming (demonstrating?) how useless they’ve been on that issue. Sort of like in the primary when he spoke the truth about the the Iraq war being a total disaster.

But the opposite ended up happening. His antics increased and by the time they released the audio of him bragging about sexually assaulting women, I just figured there was no way he could survive. Before that, for a short time period, I had it right. But as time went on, the reasons underpinning my position diverged from reality, so I altered my prediction. My updated position was that he would lose.

With the hindsight of how things turned out and in seeking an explanation as to why, maybe the Ali G experience offers us part of the answer. Maybe the traditional politicians are not just seen by the voters as stupid and / or afraid, maybe they actually are like that. And it took someone like Trump (who is neither of those things) to galvanize that feeling into something tangible.

I’ll be the first person to admit that it’s almost impossible to quantify, but after reading this, if you at some point happen to find yourself performing an autopsy of the 2016 US Presidential election, I suggest you consider this angle in your quest to try and understand exactly what the hell happened.

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And Dan knows a lot of people.

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To Trump or Not to Trump

22 Jan

Here I am with (at?) a loss for (of?) words. The past 2.6 days were pretty remarkable and not in the $21-for-deli-meat sense of the word – it was more like a “what the hell just happened?” kind of thing.

I’m still trying to process things and the lack of sleep plus the Redbull in my system are not helping me organize my thoughts, but here’s a try.

The crowds for Trump’s inauguration were very subdued (from where I was). Instead of waking up at 04:00 and lining up for a spot near the front, at around 10:00 I just biked around to the back and walked up as far as I could go. I ended up watching the ceremony on one of the giant screens they had set up.

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I was this far away.

I think the crowd was real mix of Trump supporters, regular people, and visiting Canadians. The two guys I ended up chatting with didn’t like Trump but they weren’t too keen on Hillary either. They didn’t clap for any of the ceremony.

One of the guys, Artur (not his fake name), was born in Russia. Even though he was without accent, when he mentioned where he was from he did so discreetly and called it the Former Soviet Union. With all the anti-Russia hysteria going on, I can understand his behaviour.

After he found out I was from Canada, he asked if this was my sign that he saw dropped outside the security zone.

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Then later on my way out, I saw these two guys with the same sign. They drove up from Montreal to check out the festivities but they weren’t allowed to bring their sign in because of the wooden part was on the list of banned items (I can’t think right now of what the wooden part of a sign is called).

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The stem of the sign? The stick?

When the various political figures were shown up on the screen the crowd responded mostly positively. Obama and Trump got the loudest cheers. Bernie’s cheers were louder than Hillary’s jeers. I think she was the only one who was booed.

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Sorry Mrs. Clinton, they weren’t saying Boo-urns.

After Trump was done speeching, I headed back to find my bike and then I rode it back to Tom and Katherine’s. I heard there was some riots or something but I didn’t see anything. All of the people I saw were very well behaved.

The other event of the weekend was the Women’s March on Washington. I was unsure if I was going to be able to attend, but in the end I made it down for about an hour and a half. It was difficult to tell from my limited point of view, but the Women’s March seemed to have way more people than the inauguration. Also, the energy level was much higher. I didn’t witness any bad behaviour at either event.

Here are some photos of a couple signs I found to be clever.

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I’m super tired right now. Going to bed. I’ll type some more stuff later.

Jason out.

Traffic

20 Jan

So I survived the drive from Ottawa with all the inauguration traffic and the many kilometres (and miles) that can be found between the capitals. And I have to say, it was touch and go there for a while. Things started off real good and then I hit a bunch of snags.

The Good

1. I saved $20 by building my own vent clip phone holder (to display my maps). I’m quite pleased with how it turned out.

The Bad

1. Before I left I built a bunch of sandwiches for the trip. I bought the meat from deli counter and it’s been like 15 years since I’ve done that. So When I got to Sarah’s I checked the receipt (there were other groceries on there too) and I discovered I paid $21 for eight slices of roast beef… FML

2. I added an extra day to my car rental and that added $82 on to the bill (originally it was $97)… FML

3. I left the rental car in the garage at Sarah’s for about 15 minutes while I went upstairs to collect my gear and I got a $42 parking ticket… FML

4. I bought a roaming SIM card to give me Internet for my maps for the drive down but I set the activation for 9:30 PM instead of 9:30 AM so I spent almost 40 minutes trying to get the damn thing to work before I gave up on it. This totally delayed my arrival. Bah!

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I’m off to see the President!

19 Jan

Of course he’s not President just yet, but he will be.

He will be…

As regular readers of my blog are well aware, every now and again I like to wax poetic about subjects that are non-travel and non-toilet/train/window-related. By a wide margin one of my favourite topics (that isn’t one of those other ones) is politics.

From my coverage of the 2013 the Boston City Council by-election run-off vote, to my predicting (incorrectly) the outcome of the 2016 US Presidential contest, I’m not afraid to tread into dangerous literary waters – waters that are often infested with sharks, poisonous jellyfish, and that parasite that swims up into your penis.

So continuing that trend I decided to drive down to Washington DC to report on what many of you have referred to as, “the beginning of the end”. And while I’m not convinced that the situation is that dire – it could be the end of the beginning or possibly, the middle of a tragicomedy – the past few months have seen some extraordinary political activity.

I am of course referring to the Presidential Inauguration of Donald Trump. Everyone wants to bear witness to history’s greatest events but usually they mean that in the complimentary sense. Me, I’m all about the pejorative.

So here’s the plan as of 07:00 Thursday morning (inauguration is on Friday)

Thursday

07:00 – Pick up rental car
07:15 – Load up the rental car
07:30 – Start driving
20:00 – Stop driving (arrive at destination)
20:15 – Visit with Tom and Katherine
23:00 – Sleep

Friday

06:30 – Wake up
07:00 – Bike down to the Inauguration
12:30 – Watch Donald Trump become President
13:30 – Cry in public

This itinerary is, of course, subject to change. I really don’t know what I’m doing.

And the clearest evidence of this is my decision to bring my bicycle with me and use it to get to wherever it is I have to go. This is either my greatest idea ever or my worst.

Greatest Idea

While everyone else is crammed into the subway cars like cattle in some kind of horrible, mobile high-density feedlot, I’m going to be cruising along the Potomac on my Norco ten-speed taking in the spectacular sunrise and wonderful scenery of the nation’s capital. When all the festivities have ended, I’ll jump back on my bike and head home, leaving everyone else in my wake.

(this is me)

Worst Idea

It’s going to rain and I’m going to sweat during the bike ride rendering my cold weather clothing useless and I’m going to freeze to death during the ceremony. Or I’m going to crash in the rain. Maybe my bike will get trashed or stolen. There are so many possibilities.

(this is also me)

Be sure to stay tuned to find out what happens!

 

Trump Inauguration Survival Kit

17 Jan

(I wrote this for you, Aunt Elva. I hope you’re feeling better!)

So last week I sent my brother and his wife a Trump Inauguration Survival Kit to help them make it through the first hour of a Trump administration. They were all geared up to go see Hillary get sworn in but unfortunately Trump won so now they’re going to stay home and watch the festivities on CNN (pray their news on Friday is fake and this is all a terrible dream).

The kit contains

1. Pocket-sized U.S. Constitution – win political arguments with the greatest of ease (and a magnifying glass – the printing is really small)
2. Hand warmers – warning: do not use them to try and melt Trump’s cold, cold heart.
3. Ten U.S. dollars – bribe your way into anywhere!
4. First Edition hardback copy of The Art of the Deal – financial planning has never been easier!
5. Mickey of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky – to help numb the senses and forget the pain
6. Copy of the Inauguration Drinking Game – resist the temptation to chug the whole bottle
7. Book Hide – if the $10 doesn’t work

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For my book hide, I originally wanted to carve up a real copy of The Art of the Deal but when I visited the Chapters bookstore I discovered a paperback copy was $22 plus tax. The thought of giving any money (even indirectly) to that horrible, horrible man made me want to vomit with rage, so I did what I do best – I improvised. I took some pictures of the cover of the Trump book and I printed them out and glued them to the a copy of Cassandra Clare’s New York Times bestselling novel, City of Bones: The Mortal Instruments.

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Sorry Cassandra

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And when I went to the Chapters to get those photos, I had no idea what section a book called Trump The Art of the Deal would be found in. Biography? Financial planning? Fiction? True crime? So I looked it up on the computer and printed out a receipt with the book’s info. I then gave that paper to one of the employees (a kid in his early twenties) to help me find it in the store.

In complete silence he took the slip from me, looked at it, walked me to the section, pointed at the book, walked away, and then as he was leaving he dropped the receipt on a nearby table where two of his friends were sitting and then went back to work – all without saying a word. The two girls at the table laughed in horror (I think it was horror – it could have been irony) and I reassured them that I was not actually buying the book. I also used their books to prop up the Trump book to help me get a photo of the spine.

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They were right to be horrified.

 

Should left-leaning voters pay $15 to join the Conservative Party of Canada?

11 Nov

Of course not, don’t be stupid.

There’s been a lot of talk these days about how to stave off a Trump-like phenomenon in Canada. Make no mistake, there’s a real chance someone like him could find his way into power up here. This is because our Parliamentary system of government ensures that

a) there will be an election within the next four years and
b) our leaders are chosen by a small number of party members and not by the regular people like they do in America

One thing I read (I can’t remember where) was that the best way to prevent CanTrump from happening, is to join the Conservative Party of Canada and vote in their leadership contest to ensure the party does not elect some crazy right-wing, crazy xenophobic, misogynistic, two-faced asshat as their leader.

And on the surface, this sounds like a great plan.

The idea that there will be a Canadian election during the first (and hopefully last) Trump Administration combined with the fact that a very small subset of Canadian voters directly choose our political leaders sounds terrifying. But is it really?

I did some research on the Google, and what I found might surprise you.

They first thing I discovered is that in Canadian federal elections, we without fail, alternate winners every two to four elections between the Liberals and the Conservatives. No one party is in for just a single term. It’s so predictable you could set your calendar to it. So the next election is going to go to the Liberals – you don’t have to worry about that one.

Second, the only way a Trump-like leader would be attractive up north, is if the actual Trump leader down south runs things nice and smoothly over the next four years. And that’s totally going to happen.

Not!

If the Conservative Party is stupid enough to copy our friends to the south and run on a platform of racism they deserve all the votes they’re not going to get. One unifying aspect of Canadian culture is that most of us see ourselves as not American. I imagine this sentiment will be particularly strong over the next four years.

Third, if you give $15 to the Conservative Party of Canada, you’re giving actual MONEY to a party that wants to make abortion illegal, drill for oil in centre of downtown Winnipeg, buy a bunch of useless jets, lower taxes, and cut social programs. Think about this before you click on the “submit payment” button.

And if none of that resonates with you, here’s a more personal angle for you to consider:

A couple of years ago I stupidly gave my primary email address to the Liberal Party of Canada’s webpage. I forget exactly why I did this, but what I do remember is that since that day I’ve been inundated with tonnes of spam email, spam physical mail, and (recently) phone calls asking me to vote for some lady named Nathalie Des Rosiers. And if this is what you get for free, I can only imagine what happens if you give them actual money. They probably come in person, right up to your front door in the middle of supper to try and talk to you about God knows what.

The best thing you can do to prevent the emergence of a Trump Canada is to ensure that we spend tax dollars on infrastructure not jets, social programs not tax cuts, and keep the corruption to an absolute minimum. How does one accomplish any of this? I have no idea. But the one thing I do know, is that giving money to the people who want the opposite might not be the best course of action.

Hip Concert – I have something in my eye…

21 Aug

I was not expecting this to be diehardthree.com‘s inaugural post (we just launched a few hours ago), but hey, life is full of surprises.

Like many of you I just finished watching the live broadcast of the Tragically Hip’s final concert of their Man Machine Poem tour. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this band or their current situation, I’ll try to explain everything in one sentence.

The Tragically Hip is one of Canada’s most popular/well-known bands and earlier this year their frontman Gord Downie was diagnosed with brain cancer and they decided to launch a cross-Canada tour.

There are literally dozens of things I find interesting and fascinating and nostalgic about The Hip. Normally I would be more than happy to share all of them with you, but today I feel that brevity rules.

1. Most people outside of Canada have not heard of The Tragically Hip but within Canada they are probably our most recognizable musical act. If you look at all the main medias (mediums?) books, music, movies, television – Canada has produced a disproportionately large number of world-famous musical acts (while our contributions to the non-music entertainment industries are more inline with our size).

Just type “canaidan musicains” into Google – and look at that fucking list. You don’t even have to be able to spell.

In 2003 I was visiting a friend in Germany and we were driving to the Nord Sea (the sea, not the fast food restaurant). So we’re listening to the German commercial radio station and I shit you not, it was 15% CanCon. And it was like a two hour drive.

CanCon (or Canadian Content) is the government regulation that requires that something like 40% of the music on commercial radio in Canada has to be Canadian. It’s the reason that Canada has a world class music scene. It means our musicians can make a living working in their chosen profession.

Contrast that with the Canadian film industry does not have any such regulation – and if you will look over here, you will find the one-time highest grossing “Canadian” film.

Anyway, this is to put into perspective how popular these guys are – amongst all the internationally renowned musicians from Canada, within our borders, The Hip are very close to (at?) the top.

2. The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) – if they were a patron in a bar, I’d buy ’em a drink. And then after we’d finished those drinks, I’d buy another round. They hit one out of the park tonight. They shut down everything else to show us a 3-hour concert with no commercials and no talking heads.

And of all nights, the second-last night of the Olympics – taxpayer me does not want to know how much they bid for the rights to broadcast the games, but they sure as hell made the right call when they had to choose. I’m happy we have the CBC.

That’s all I have. Goodnight everyone.

Excitement! Passion! Relevance!

20 Aug

Welcome everyone to the launch of my brand new, slightly redesigned webzone! On Tuesday I broke down and paid the $99 USD to the WordPress GmbH corporation so that you, my dear readers, could enjoy all latest features that can be experienced on the Information Super Highway (that’s the “Datensuperautobahn” for my German friends).

In addition to supporting embedded videos, I updated the about page, added some fins to lower wind resistance, and I painted on an orange racing stripe – which I feel is pretty sharp. But most importantly I was able to secure the Internet web address

www.diehardthree.com

Look at it. Isn’t it just beautiful. I’m surprised and relieved it was even available. Just the thought of having use a .org or .edu top level domain made me want to vomit with rage.

Anyway, enough about that, stay tuned for the inaugural post – I consider this one to be more of a press release.

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Day 4 of 4: The Voyage Home!

12 Aug

Last day in NewOl and what a trip it’s been! There were so many great events and happenings I don’t think there’s enough space on the Internet to document them. Sarah and I got marred in a huge discussion about punctuality, specifically: at the end of a typed sentence is it proper form to use one space or two after the period? I correctly asserted that using two spaces in any online writing helps the NSA identify individuals who are too old to present any sort of threat to national security, while Sarah took the opposite position that I am stupid.

On Day 3 we went to the New Orleans Bug Museum and Insect Air-Aquarium, which in retrospect, I should have written about in yesterday’s post as it was very much in line with the underlying theme of the WWII museum: Things I Am Terrified Of.

During the visit I also became educated as to how the movies have been deceiving us about several of their more popular plot devices and machinations. I will list the lies for you now:

1. Tarantulas are big and scary but their venom is not dangerous to us humans. James Bond was in no peril whatsoever when that guy who wanted to blow up the world tried to kill him with two spiders instead of just shooting him in the face like any normal assassin would.

2. Tarantulas are actually quite fragile – a fall from just a couple of feet will kill them. The main villain spider from Arachnophobia (1990) should have died from that fall from the top of the jungle when she was captured at the beginning of the film. And in Return of the King (2003) it should have been quite easy for Frodo to slay that creature Tolkien lazily came up with in Book 2 (close to the end he was clearly running out of original ideas “the obstacle will be a spider… but it will be… big”).

3. Giant insects are impossible to exist. Their physiology does not include a supporting skeletal structure and if they were any larger than they are in real life, their increased size would render them immobile and unable to attack. But to be fair to Hollywood, it’s totally possible that the gravity and/or atmosphere on Klendathu is much different from our own planet, resulting in a radically different bug morphology.

So that’s it for this trip. I hope you all enjoyed the new vocabulary you can add to your lexicon after reading my posts. My favourite words from this time out were: propagandist, equine-based, tangential, punctuality, and lexicon.

See you next time!

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Bugkeeper! Bugkeeper! Those two beetles are killing each other! – like I said, very educational.

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Day 3 of 4: We Can Do It!

11 Aug

Today was my day, that is to say I was responsible for selecting and organizing all the day’s events. Plan A was visit Nicolas Cage’s tomb, but the weather did not cooperate so I had to revert to Plan B.

Like many travellers before us who have woken up to a light rain moistening their holiday, we decided to spend the day in the museums. And fortunately for us, New Orleans has the greatest museum known to man (and woman) – the National World War II Museum.

Originally I was thinking we’d skip this one, but Sarah insisted. It was very impressive but every time I visit one of these WW2 museums my mind wanders to thoughts of how I would have contributed to the war effort had I been nineteen in 1939. This time around the first jobs off the list were the usual ones (land, water, air).

Pilot? I’m afraid of heights.
Submarine Captain? I’m afraid of depths.
Infantry? Terrified of dying.
Merchant Marine? I’m a communist.
Navy? I’d rather join the infantry.

But as we explored this museum I discovered there were so many more jobs and professions hypothetical me wanted to avoid the 1930s.

Medic? I faint at the sight of needles.
Shift supervisor? I’m more a shift caller-in-late.
Clerk? I can’t type.
Machinist? I’m sensitive to loud noises.
Anti-war protester? The Barrett Light Fifty is pretty damn cool.

The whole things was kind of depressing. But luckily for me everything turned out ok at the end when I found the job I was born to show up late for: propagandist – where the greatest threat to my personal safety is an allergic reaction to the makeup they use to make me really really really really good looking.

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Watch out, Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, and Fascist Italy! Or as Tom Hanks in the museum movie called them “Germany, Japan, and Fascist Italy”

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