Die Hard Three

As was revealed by the existence of several blog posts describing the hike, my co-campers and I survived our two nights the Ontario wilderness even though it was touch-and-go there for a while. At the first night’s campsite cellphone reception was sporadic and it rained for a couple of hours. The second evening’s events were punctuated by several dozen chemical explosions – the origins of which remain a mystery, even to this day.

But we made it. The total distance hiked was about 23 kilometres (14 miles) (estimate). Average pack weight was about 40 pounds (18 kilograms) (estimate).

Our route.

On the hike back to the car we encountered a group of four brothers who were doing the whole 75 kilometre circuit (the complete Killarney trail is a loop). These guys looked to be in their late forties and early fifties and they told us that this was their thirty-second annual camping trip together. Think about that for a moment. Every single year for the past thirty two years these four brothers have gone (without fail) on a week-long hiking / camping / canoe trip together. Thirty-two times. I find that to be a remarkable example of brotherly solidarity. Remarkable because with my only brother, all I want to do is watch Avatar. Just once.

I really liked this film and I think he would really enjoy it too.

A hike around the full Killarney Trail takes on average about seven days to complete (plus the drive to and from the park). Contrast that with James Cameron’s Avatar – if you skip the closing credits you’re done in a brisk two hours and thirty-five minutes – a real bargain.

I think this Avatar proposal is a great one and should be accepted immediately. I promise not to give any pressure to watch the upcoming sequels (which will be awesome – because James Cameron is the master of the sequel – T2, Rambo: First Blood Part 2, Aliens). And please don’t consider my claim of “awesome” to be a form of pressure to watch the sequels – it’s more like an historical or scientific fact – an inherent feature of the universe if you will.

And there’ll be no extended edition. No making-of specials features. No watching it a second time to hear the fascinating director’s commentary. We don’t even have to discuss the content of the film afterwards. We can talk about its effect on the world of international copyright trade embargoes or whatever you want. Or we can simply not speak at all – quietly parting ways, acting like nothing happened. But that will be impossible because it’s such an awesome movie that it will be the only thing we will want to talk about for the next several years.

I understand you’re a busy guy. But this isn’t opening night of Terminator 2: Judgment Day at the Famous Players Gloucester 5 Cinema. There will be no waiting in line for five hours to get a decent seat. I’ll have the BluRay disc already preloaded into my PS3. The annoying, unskipable menus and copyright warnings will have already been displayed and all I’ll have to do to start the movie is hit play.

And I’ll even let you pick the time and date (provided it’s before the first Avatar sequel is released theatrically in Canada). I’ll also make sure to provide plenty of your favourite snack foods and beverages. I’ll even pay for your return transportation* from within a 600 km radius of Ottawa.

There are other bonuses too. Think about the cultural benefits – you’re surfing around on the Internet and you bump into this guy – after you watch Avatar you’ll be able to understand what’s going on. Your standing in society will increase tenfold.

So what do you say, bro? You wanna watch Avatar with me?

*Greyhound Intercity Bus only, 14-day advance purchase (or credit towards a rental car or train ticket equal to the cost of a 14-day advance purchase Greyhound Intercity Bus ticket)

I am not a fan of the shitboxes* Parks Ontario has installed in all their campgrounds and I have written about this before. Needless to say, I expected the bathroom aspects of this two-night, three-day camping trip to be the same as the previous one, so all the toilet paper-related details were the responsibility of my co-campers. I figured that I could simply borrow a couple squares if things got necessary.

Well, I was expecting a shutdown and my body… my body had other ideas.

Specifically, on this trip instead of shutting down, my system was behaving more like a Star Destroyer going to light speed – saving on fuel by dumping excess garbage. My system knew I was going hiking for three days and my body was going to have to carry everything itself so it decided to make things as light as possible.

So by 21:00 on the first night I had to go. If I’m uncomfortable with these things in the daylight then I’m terrified of them after nightfall. And for some reason the dude who designed our campsite put it within eyesight (and earshot) of the tent platform.

A million square miles of forest and you have to put it ten metres from the tent. Thanks for that, buddy.

For you hiker / campers that’s campsite H1 – Killarney Provincial Park, Ontario, Canada. Send your feedback here http://www.ontarioparks.com/contact/email – the letter-writing campaign starts now!

From what I can tell, I survived that experience intact but the second night’s campsite WC was even worse. It looked like an animal had dug its way underneath. Eventually nature came a-callin’ and I had to use it – during the day. Which was lucky for me cause one of my co-hikers (I cannot say which one) had to go after dark and when he got out there his headlamp illuminated two giant yellow eyes.

Pretty terrifying, eh?

I frantically tried to connect to the Internet to find out (based on the available information) what it was. But there was no signal. Using our brains we narrowed down the list of candidate animals to a lean dozen – a bear, a deer, a mountain lion, the Sasquatch, a wild boar, the Chupacabra, the Vampire Lestat, the abominable snowman, Godzilla, a moose, an elk, manbearpig.

I happened to have been minding the campfire working at my computer with the Photo Booth application running and I captured a single image from my webcam the exact moment I heard his cries.

We then looked around for 20 minutes for a backup toilet but could not find one.

I went over to investigate but saw nothing. Also earlier in the evening we had noticed tonnes of bear shit all over the place when we were collecting firewood. Who knew the forrest cold be so scary? When the others had all gone to bed I was left to tend the fire all by myself. And I almost died of fear.

* They are not outhouses. Outhouses ensure privacy with a door and a roof. These things have but a lid and zero privacy.

As anticipated, this morning I woke up earlier than my co-hikers. When we went canoe camping in August both nights I was up by 05:00 – two hours before any of the other campers. What I did not expect this time was how much earlier – it’s currently 03:45 in the morning as I type this sentence.

The forecast for our first day (yesterday) included a thunderstorm with a 100% chance of showers in the evening. It didn’t start to rain until we had reached our campsite and set up the tent. It seems the anti-rain dance I performed before we left Toronto worked perfectly (rain before tent setup = bad, rain after = good). All of this was despite the objections of my two travel mates. They berated me for “wasting time” with my “silly superstition” for the whole five-hour car ride even though I told them several times the Rain God would be displeased with them for doing so.

I guess they showed me.

It rained for most of the evening so we just stayed in the tent until bedtime. Just three guys enjoying some quality time crammed into a shelter that is so small one cannot even stand up in it.

Right now it’s overcast but hiding behind the clouds is a near-full moon. It’s surprisingly bright and warm. I have not put on my sweater yet – I left it in the tent but it’s getting a bit chilly. I think I’ll put some socks on. I wish I could take a picture of the view – it’s pretty spectacular – but it’s too dark and my camera / phone is lost somewhere in the tent with the two sleeping guys. This is actually causing me a considerable amount of discomfort. I’m afraid one of them will crush it accidentally. I love that phone.

The high-powered business world of the future is so busy these days that people have no opportunities to just think about things. Conversely, one of the best parts of hiking is that you have lots of time to think.

One of the reasons I’ve taken such a shine to hiking is that I’m a thinker. People are always asking me, “What are you thinking about?” and to be honest, I’m getting pretty tired of this question. I’ve been consistent on this one issue since the early nineties and it bugs me that people insist on re-asking a question I’ve already answered on several different occasions in several different forums.

So in the interests of efficiency (yours and mine) I’m going to answer this question one last time.

Ext. Night. Jason is sitting on a chair quietly staring off into the distance, deep in thought.

Enter Friend. Friend approaches Jason.

Friend: Hey Jason. You look great. Have you been working out?

Jason: Oh, hi Mark.

Friend: What were you thinking about just now when I got here?

Jason: The Hunt for Red October.

[pause]

Jason: The movie, not the book.

So there you have it. If you ever have the urge to find out what’s going on upstairs at Jason’s place you don’t need to ask – it’s The Hunt for Red October.

Mystery solved

And I’m not making this up. The Hunt for Red October is humankind’s greatest achievement. If you take the time to do the critical analysis (like I have) you will come to the same conclusion. The problem is, you’re too busy and I’ve spent almost two dozen years of self-meditation on this subject. I’ve got a huge head start if you want to challenge my claim (good luck with that by the way).

So, to summarize: Please stop asking. The Hunt for Red October. Always the movie. Sometimes the book. Rarely the video game.

So I just checked the weather forecast and it’s supposed to rain for the first few hours of our hike. For those of you who have never been hiking: this is not cool. The key to a successful hike is to not go when it rains. This is for two reasons.

Reason the first: if the rain gets in your shoes it can be very uncomfortable to walk.

Reason the second: just before we left Ottawa I got a perm and you’re not supposed to get those wet until it’s been 48 hours.

It has to be true cause I saw it in a movie. 

So it’s just after 10:00 and we’re on the highway number 400 (the only meaningful vertical highway in Canada) heading to Barrie and then to Killarney.

I want to take this opportunity to reassure my mom that my anti-bear bell is firmly attached to my pack. The lady at the camping store said that this $2.00 noise-maker is the most effective way to defeat bears in hand-to-hand combat. It didn’t come with any instructions and the clerk didn’t provide a demonstration so I’m going to assume that I have somehow get the bear to swallow it.

Shouldn’t be too difficult.

Again, if we go missing, contact Chad Everett. Entry point is main entrance Park Killarney at 15:00 Friday Sept 20, 2013. Exit point is same but at Sunday Sept 22, 2913 17:00-ish.

EC and I arrived in Toronto safe and alive. We still had to pick up some supplies so we stopped off at the Walmart in Pickering.

After scanning all our items, the nice lady at the checkout asked where we were going. I told her about the hiking trip and she  wished us luck. I then told her that if she hears a report on Monday about three hikers going missing in Killarney, she is free to contact the media to tell them about the final shopping encounter of the fated hikers.

The last thing I told them was, “Purchases of underwear are final sale – no refunds or exchange. Thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

.

So as regular readers of this blog are undoubtedly aware, this weekend is the big hike. EC and I are driving now to Toronto collect JC and we are going to be driving tomorrow morning (Friday) to Killarney Ontario.

Right now we are listening to SAT Rdhouse PRESET Country. I normally don’t listen to country music on the radio but this weekend is Farm Aid and we are going to stand in solidarity with our brothers who grow our potatoes, sorghum, and rice. The plan is to listen to this station for all the driving (that’s 4 hours to Toronto 5 hours to Killarney, and then the same on the way back).

A few minutes ago we passed Camper Kong (an important landmark for any road trip to Toronto via the 416). Soon we will be in Toronto: Land of the Lost.

Camper Kong

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Yesterday two dudes came and bought our old freezer. They remarked upon seeing Big White that it was “smaller than they thought it would be”. An interesting bargaining tactic considering they showed up in a Toyota Matrix. Somehow they managed to cram it in the back and then drove away. And just like, he was gone. The bow fund $80 richer and all I am left with is a poem. A poem for my freezer.

(begin poem)

• Oh, dear downstairs Freezer – I will miss you immensely.
• The $80 from the two Matrix dudes – cannot compensate me.

–

• Like the changing of my bedsheets –  you were defrosted once per year.
• Like me at our Christmas party – you were often full of delicious German beer.

–

• Unlike the upstairs kitchen freezer – you were very easy to clean.
• But unlike the upstairs kitchen freezer – your energy consumption was not very green.

–

• Your fixed-shelves prevented – the storage of a full-sized turkey.
• But that’s okay – we can now deep-fry a turkey.

–

• This space you have left in our home – has found us some extra room.
• And according to a recent roommate survey – I’ll probably be installing some shelves for storing our many vacuums soon.

–

• The tears from my eyes – are now damaging my computer.
• I’m crying twice as hard now – I opted out of the Apple Care program

(end poem)

You’re my boy White. You’re my boy.

Ugh.